http://www.twiztv.com/scripts/battlestar/season2/galactica-205.htm
BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
2X05 - THE FARM
Original Airdate (SciFi): 12-AUG-05
Caprica - Hospital Room
Starbuck: How many patients do you have here?
Simon: Am I being interrogated again?
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Monday, September 12, 2005
Sanity was statistical
[ Excerpt: George Orwell "Nineteen Eighty-Four" ] He had capitulated, that was agreed. In reality, as he saw now, he had been ready to capitulate long before he had taken the decision. From the moment when he was inside the Ministry of Love -- and yes, even during those minutes when he and Julia had stood helpless while the iron voice from the telescreen told them what to do -- he had grasped the frivolity, the shallowness of his attempt to set himself up against the power of the Party. He knew now that for seven years the Thought police had watched him like a beetle under a magnifying glass. There was no physical act, no word spoken aloud, that they had not noticed, no train of thought that they had not been able to infer. Even the speck of whitish dust on the cover of his diary they had carefully replaced. They had played sound-tracks to him, shown him photographs. Some of them were photographs of Julia and himself. Yes, even ... He could not fight against the Party any longer. Besides, the Party was in the right. It must be so; how could the immortal, collective brain be mistaken? By what external standard could you check its judgements? Sanity was statistical. It was merely a question of learning to think as they thought. Only! [ Excerpt: George Orwell "Nineteen Eighty-Four" ]
There is a part in that excerpt from 1984 that really hits close to home. It is the part "Sanity was statistical." I heard that very same thing when I was in the VA. Fortunately, it wasn't from a doctor though. What I heard someone say, when I was reasserting my belief that all this is indeed a conspiracy, was that they are treating me on the probability that what I am saying is not true. So that also reinforced my theory that if you are in the mental health system, is it assumed mental health problems are causing your problems as opposed to external environmental factors causing the problems. However, I did see indications they were listening to me and that they thought what I was saying made sense. I have no complaints about my treatment at the VA.
But as I have learned from this infuriating chapter of my life, there are problems that produce mental health issues and there are mental health issues that produce problems.
If they treated 100 people for the problems I am describing, it is probable that 99 of them would be delusional. But my argument has been that I am that one person that is not delusional. Sure, I am feeling paranoid, but it is a healthy paranoia. It is a normal reaction to a threat in my environment. How many more years am I going to have to live thinking no one understands?
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: 9/9/2006 1:53 PM
My doctor at the VA is not incompetent. He just is not law enforcement and doesn’t have the resources necessary to solve the actual problem that is agitating me. If the police would do their jobs and prosecute the people trying to terrorize me, such as Microsoft and Dave Reichert, then I wouldn’t even need a doctor from the VA
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: 05/10/09 11:17 PM
I think I have written more than once about the sense in my mind after I started being treated at the VA in the summer of 2005. I guess it could have started before but I tend to associate a specific sense in my mind with that period in the VA. I was pondering over it in great detail a few days or weeks ago before I watched "Mission To Mars" on television recently and I write of it now in that context of time because of certain details that I have noted for that film "Mission To Mars." As I was pondering again in great detail a few weeks ago I guess it was I was thinking about how after I started treatment at the VA I was seeing something when I closed my eyes that I thought of as the circuit patterns on printed electronic circuit boards. I mentioned it to my doctor at the VA but I cannot remember if I mentioned specifically what I was seeing. I remember him saying something but it was not anything specific that I can recall. I think it was just some off-hand remark similar to when I told the nurse that I wanted to take the medication in the different tablet form because the one type was a bitter pill and she said something about how she was sure it was. I cannot remember if I said specifically that it was a bitter pill to swallow but I think I used all those words to describe my distaste with that particular tablet. So anyway, when I was thinking about it again a few weeks ago I was pondering over what seemed to almost be images that were flashing before my closed eyes and it was similar to the green PCB's but there was some other color too that I cannot describe. I'll probably think of it later. So as I was thinking about it again recently I was thinking of how I would describe what I was seeing and I would describe it as though there was a printed circuit board that filled my vision but that board was covered by some kind of material that I would describe as a piece of black construction paper and it seemed that my vision with my eyes closed was that rectangular sheet of black construction paper. When I was in treatment at the VA I started seeing images in my mind that seemed to be of a narrow strip of that construction paper that was being peeled away and then I could that beneath that sheet of paper was the printed circuit board. The strip that was peeled away was very narrow and I would estimate that if my vision with closed eyes was the size of a regular sheet of paper then that strip that was peeled away in an uneven strip that was not very jagged but yet not parallel or even in any manner in its course through the sheet of paper was probably the width of a pencil which is a measurement I just now thought of.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: 05/10/09 11:31 PM
I also just thought to myself with a measure of humor as the notion dawned in my mind that the color of that underlying printed circuit board was maroon.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE:----- Original Message ----
From: Kerry Burgess
To: Kerry Burgess
Sent: Wednesday, May 17, 2006 6:25:22 PM
Subject: Re: Star Trek: TNG: First Contact, Nov. 22, 1996
There was that dream I had the other night, where I was inside a missile. I remembered today the similarity with this movie, in that Cochrane converted an ICBM into his warp ship. But why would someone create a connection between me and Cochrane? I didn't create warp drive in the past only to have someone block my memory of that, did I? It's funny, when I read something the other day about Data arguing with Einstein, it reminded me of something I was writing in my journal back in the early '90s. I was wondering why it was impossible to travel faster than the speed of light. A couple years ago I was writing about it again. The idea presented itself to me about why it was impossible, something about atoms not being able to work because electrons could not transfer energy faster than the speed of light. I wondered if it was possible to create some kind of process to transfer energy to those atoms, not unlike a cell's mitochondria works. Today I have been wondering if anything I remember about the past is real. Do I have a different past? Am I really who I think I am? The stuff I imagine happening to me sometimes, did that stuff really happen? I wonder if these movies and tv shows have actually been sort of inoculations, to keep me from questioning my reality. I do question reality sometimes, but it wasn't until I saw that Matrix movie a while back, did I really start to wonder about reality. But it didn't seem to matter, I wasn't overly concerned that I may be living that kind of false reality. I still don't think I am living such an extreme unreality as in the Matrix, but I wonder if there is a divergence point in my life, a shadow, a distorted period. Or have I been living a life like in the movie Soldier, or maybe like in Blade Runner, where Rachael, and I assume Harrison Ford's character, have false memories of their life. Am I Harrison Ford's character in this reality? A replicant searching for replicants? I haven't been able to follow Battlestar Galactica this past year, but I think that theme is showing up there, with Chief Tyrol.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Friday, September 02, 2005 posted by H.V.O.M at 8:35 PM
How well I remember being on the street. There was this one time earlier this summer. I had been homeless for a few weeks. I hadn't showered in weeks. I hadn't eaten anything in I don't know how long and I didn't care. I am walking along the Burke-Gilman trail one weekday afternoon. I've been awake for 30 hours, just walking. I had walked from Redmond down to Gas Works Park because I was going to sit there for a while and then
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Friday, September 02, 2005 posted by H.V.O.M at 10:41 PM
Tomorrow
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe I'll hear something tomorrow.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE]
