That blouse makes me think of that comforter I used to have on my bed a few years ago. I started thinking about that the other night when an actress on Conan was wearing a dress with a similar pattern and she commented that it was a wedding dress. And could this scene be because I was quoting something from "King Lear" a while back? Was it "King Lear" or was I just reading "King Lear" but didn't actually make any references to it? I know that I was reading it though and I was at least thinking of referring to it. I have made several references in my journal from Shakespeare.
http://gallery.phoebe-cates.com/v/current/48454005.jpg.html
I am pretty certain I wrote of my "memories" of the Lear jets when I was on the Taylor, which I can still visualize. Not sure what that was all about, though. I definitely think my "memory" of Tina Mason's smile is actually Phoebe's smile. Her hair from "Date With An Angel" looks just like I "remember" Rachel Barnett. And her face has a distinct resemblance to Rachel Barnett, too.
9 goddamned years we have been apart. And I still don't goddamned know when I'll get to see her again. This is bullshit.
I remember I was reading some passages about "Edgar" but I can't remember now what it was. I think I decided to not make any references to it, but maybe I did, can't remember.
There was that girl named Lee Edgar that worked at the Seneca branch of First Federal. Not sure if that is a reference to this play or to the U.S. Security and Exchange Commission. Maybe both.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_lear
...
Edgar is the legitimate son of the Earl of Gloucester. Disguised as Tom O'Bedlam, he helps his blind father. At the end of the play he assumes rule of the kingdom and the 'Divine Right of Kings' is restored.
I imagine what it would be like for her to come up to me at any point and start talking to me. I imagine that she would think it neat to see me fall in love with her again, but the thing is, I never stopped loving her.
She might come up to me and start talking to me and I might not be able to remember her as she remembers me, but the feelings never stopped. They are just blocked, suppressed, from my consciousness. I guess it is possible I could instantly recognize her if she came up to me, but I don't know. I think something in my mind deflects those real memories of her. I would know she is important to me in a way I can't fully understand, but that might be the extent of it until I......something. There is something else that has to happen.
I will consciously remember her at some point and that I love her, but I am also going to become consciously aware of just how painful it has been to be apart all these years. I never stopped loving her and I have missed her intensely.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: 10/15/2006 9:20 PM
Consistent with that theory I wrote earlier today about Mogge is a detail I just noticed on the map. I ran into Mogge after I got out of the Navy because he and his wife Andrea had moved into the Clemson, SC, area. I was working in a First Federal bank branch in Seneca, SC, to repair a computer on the drive-through teller line. I can’t remember that girl’s name that I was repairing the computer for but I remember her last name was Edgar. We went out a few times right before I started dating Tracie Rhodes. So anyway, I was standing there at the drive-through window and I saw Mark and Andrea in their pickup outside looking in at me. I went out there to talk them after they pulled into the parking lot. I remember I was driving my Plymouth Voyager car. I think Mogge had a small red pickup. Since I was driving that Voyager, that means it was after I had returned from Memphis and I must have been living in nearby Central, SC, at the time. So anyway, as I used to drive out there to Seneca a lot, it was the extreme western edge of my territory, I always referred to that road as Highway 123. I remember that branch was right next to that road, and on the map, it is also labeled as Highway 76.
I lived very close to Clemson University and traveled into Clemson often to service the bank branches in that town. I have been trying to think of why that was and I guess it could be because of the Tigers. I suspect though that the primary reason for me being there was because I lived in Central. After that, I bought that house in Greer, SC, at Country Club Estates and moved out there until I moved to Arrowood in Charlotte, NC. From there I went across town to Dresden off Independence with the nearby Sheffield Park, and then I moved back near Arrowood to Whitehall. After that, I moved to Paces River in Rock Hill, SC, off Exit 82 of I-77.
10/15/2006 10:19 PM
Her name was Lee Edgar.
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11/1/2006 6:51 PM
The Challenger blew up 17 days before that date of 2/14/86 which was when I think I was shot down over Libya or Chad.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/STS-51-L
STS-51-L was a space shuttle mission by NASA using the Space Shuttle Challenger, launched January 28, 1986. The seven-member crew was killed 73 seconds after lift-off
11/1/2006 7:32 PM
I was wondering the other day if the people I “remember” making jokes about the deaths of the Challenger astronauts were actually my Libyan captors.
11/1/2006 7:40 PM
Highway 59 runs into Seneca, South Carolina, also. In what appears to be downtown Seneca, it is named Oak Street and it intersects with a road that is labeled Business 76 & Business 123. The Seneca branch of First Federal that I have written about several times is nearby on a major highway labeled Bypass 76 & Bypass 123. I wrote about running into Mark and Andrea Mogge again the first time after I had been out of the Navy for a while. I also wrote about a girl named Lee Edgar who worked at the Seneca branch. It was her terminal at the drive-through window that I was working on when I saw Mark and Andrea sitting in their small red pickup outside in the drive-through. We were talking in the parking lot outside next to Highway 76/123 and I “remember” at one point answering a call on my large cellular phone, the kind you carried in a bag, that was in my burgundy Plymouth Voyager car. I have been thinking that Lee Edgar represents some work I did for the SEC because of her last name. But last night I started thinking that maybe her first name has something to do with the comet of 1976. Her name, Lee, could represent “Life Extinction Event,” which is similar to “ELE” from “Deep Impact.” I can “remember” kissing her outside her house and that she lived a long way from where I lived in Taylors, SC. She was the last girl I dated before I started dating Tracie Rhodes, who took over Bobbilynn’s job of replenishing cash in the ATM’s and calling me out to repair the machines when they were inoperative. There seems to be more here if I could just remember it. There is also something, a memory, something, that has twice appeared in my thoughts, but now is gone again.
...
11/2/2006 1:08 PM
Those vague “memories” of people joking about the dead Challenger astronauts probably reflect the interrogation by the Libyans in 1986. The drugged me up to the point of hallucination, and then started to pretend they were Americans who then tormented me, trying to break my resistance. It is why I wrote in my journal a while back that I thought the Iranians had taken over the country. They were doing all this to me at Microsoft and then it was all around me everywhere I went.
11/2/2006 1:23 PM
That dream I wrote about recently, where I was wearing a garment similar to “Neo’s” cassock-like garment from “Matrix Reloaded” also included Captain’s stipes on my shoulders. I was confused about that detail though because they seemed to be on epaulets and I don’t remember ever seeing a U.S. Navy officer’s uniform that had the rank stripes on epaulets. Last night I remembered that scene from “Crimson Tide” where the character Gene Hackman portrays in sitting in the ward room and his Captain stripes are on epaulets. So maybe that is a real USN uniform and I guess it is the shirt you would wear under the dress blue jacket. I can’t remember the name of that style of USN officer uniform but it is the one the Tom Cruise wore in court in “A Few Good Men.” It would make sense to have the stripes on flexible epaulets because the shoulder boards wouldn’t work well with a jack over them.
The night Diane Broch and I met, we were in that bar in Wisconsin and she was laughing as I sang along with a song that was playing. “The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire.” I wonder if that represents somehow when we were hit by a missile on 2/14/86. She was wearing some kind of light green jumpsuit that was fashionable among women back in the 80’s. There was fog on the floor as we danced.
