"Eagerly I wished the morrow"

JOURNAL ARCHIVE: 9/1/2006 2:23 PM

This is the day I remember that Michael died. This must mean something. I keep saying that but I know what it means. I just can’t remember. It means I was missing. I am not certain of that though. Am I not certain because I was not missing or am I not certain because I simply do not remember?

http://www.reagan.utexas.edu/archives/speeches/1986/112286a.htm

Radio Address to the Nation on the Observance of Thanksgiving Day

November 22, 1986

My fellow Americans:

This coming Thursday we'll celebrate a holiday that belongs uniquely to our nation -- Thanksgiving Day. Millions of us will travel from all parts of the country to gather in family homes, observing the holiday according to longstanding tradition: turkey with all the fixings, pumpkin pie, laughter, the warmth of family, love, and, yes, a moment of prayer to give thanks. Yet, at the same time, many among us will be less fortunate.

9/1/2006 2:26 PM
Reading through that I remember all those people that day bringing food to our house on Hicks Road as that was customary when someone died.

9/1/2006 2:32 PM
No, wait, that’s not right. It was November 25th.

I wish I knew what it all means.
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9/1/2006 2:46 PM
http://www.reagan.utexas.edu/archives/speeches/1981/41381c.htm

Statement Honoring the Freed American Hostages

April 13, 1981

I am pleased to join the Department of State in honoring those members of the Foreign Service who were held captive in Iran and those who worked on their behalf during their 444-day ordeal. Every American remembers with pride the dignity, determination, and quiet courage with which they withstood the abuse of their captors. We remember the joy and thanksgiving that united the Nation on their release.

We must be resolved that this cruel episode in our history shall not be forgotten -- that we will ensure our professional diplomats and military personnel every means of protection that America can offer.

9/1/2006 2:51 PM
All because of treason at Microsoft and Bill Gates’ War On Heroism.
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9/1/2006 3:02 PM

If the plan is not to have my memory fully return by next week, then I estimate it will be fully restored by 1/2/2007. I just hope I don’t have to stay in this damn place the whole time I am waiting.
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9/1/2006 8:03 PM
Maybe DDG-78 was named after Porter because he was taken prisoner in Tripoli just as I am thinking I was a POW in Libya in 1986. He was also a combat veteran as a midshipman, which is the connection with the ’78’ as I suspect I started as a midshipman in 1978. He captured a British warship on an August 13th and that is the date I remember as Michael’s birthday. There is also the connection to Valparaiso, which is where I remember Diane Broch going to college in 1986 and with the HMS Phoebe. Phoebe Bailey was that girl I met in 1981 at Camp Couchdale. That part about his retaliation for a jailed fellow officer reminds me of “Flight Of The Intruder.” He died on a March 3rd and that is the date I am thinking is my birthday.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Porter_%28naval_officer%29

http://www.porter.navy.mil/

This has got to mean something to me the more I think about it. There are just too many details here that are also in my symbolic memory. They encoded these details in my symbolic memory because of David Porter.
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9/1/2006 8:45 PM
I hope you bastards enjoy your stinking 3 day weekend. As long as I am your captive, it is constantly a Monday morning at 9:37 AM. As long as you can read every word I type and hear every sound I make, I am a captive. If you have the power to decide to give me back my life, you are my captor and I defy you 24 hours a day.
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9/2/2006 12:19 PM
Today is the day I remember as Diane Broch’s birthday. She was born in 1965 and was exactly 2 months older than me.

9/2/2006 12:22 PM
Sediver told me their best business times was when a storm rolled through the southern states. All of the downed power lines was good business for them because the utility companies had to buy a lot of new transmission line insulators. That reminds me of something humorous I was thinking about the recent concrete workers strike.
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9/2/2006 12:33 PM
From what I read, Sediver was founded in 1959 as a merger by two other companies. That may not be a coincidence with my connection to 1959. There is also some relevance here perhaps that the fictional Captain Picard was from France.

I am looking for clues that Sediver was involved in the construction of the Osirak reactor. I wouldn’t be surprised if that is true.
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9/2/2006 1:56 PM
Goddamnit these places creep me out. It is like having to live with zombies. If I listen closely, I’ll probably hear them all mumbling quietly over and over, “brains……brains……brains…..”

9/2/2006 2:21 PM
I’ll bet that Ballmer got pretty nervous when I made that comment in my manager’s office that Ballmer was picking up the tab for this “party.”

9/2/2006 4:21 PM
The thought popped into my head that maybe I landed in Elysium Crater in 1976 and that was why I wrote about it a while back. Then I found this 1981 script from “Bladerunner” that I would think reinforces that notion. Not sure where that crater is though in relation to the Viking One landing as I think I was near that lander.

http://www.brmovie.com/Downloads/Docs/BR_Script_1981.txt
…
Enjoy the numerous recreation
areas and resorts such as the
famous Elysium Crater Resort!
...
9/2/2006 6:36 PM
How the hell could anyone forget going to Mars????

That is just incredible!

I am thinking that my memory of stepping out onto the surface the first time is encoded in a memory from boot camp in 1984. I called home for the first time and mom answered. I felt embarrassed because I almost choked up when I heard her voice the first time. She put Denzil on the phone and I regained my composure.

There has got to be some other memories that represent being on Mars. I wrote about some others, such as digging in the crumbly clay of that gully sometime in the 5th grade, which would have been about 1976. I’m thinking there are others though. There are some memories that flash into my mind and I just know they mean something other than the obvious.
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9/3/2006 10:36 AM
Goddamn stinking zombies. These people are like 55% zombie and 45% human. I don’t know what the balance is, at some point they are going to start trying to eat the brains of humans. What’s is been – 13, 14 months now I’ve been living with these pre-Zombies? Creeps me the hell out.
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9/3/2006 4:38 PM
This photo at first reminded me of a trench I dug for Homer one time through some trees near the trailer when he and Betty lived. They had just moved from Antlers to living beside Bobby and Melissa’s place outside Ashdown. I had a mosquito bite that I scratched which then turned into a poison ivy rash on the inside of my elbow, left side I think.

But then as I looked at this photo, I remembered some trenches I dug for our house on Hicks Road. There was one I think I dug on the side of our yards fence to drain off standing water in the yard. And I didn’t dig trenches like that as I shoveled off the top layer off grass first so that it would be undisturbed and then placed back down on top of the refilled trench.

http://www.reagan.utexas.edu/archives/photographs/large/c25979-24A.jpg

President Reagan digging a trench at Rancho Del Cielo. 11/19/84

9/3/2006 4:44 PM
That would have been 1985 or 1986 I was digging that trench for homer. Betty seemed to laugh when I wouldn’t take money from Homer for the work. I told him I had enough money.
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9/3/2006 9:42 PM
This scene reminds me of memories I am beginning to associate with exploring Mars. Nothing like that happened, rather it explores the unknown. I have memories of some kind of holes drilled into the sides of cliffs and wondering if anything was going to jump out at me as I moved in front of them. I have this one vivid memory of that when I was fishing in a river and there was some kind of submerged cliff with holes, some kind of burrows, in the side.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_%28film%29
…
Kane stumbles across a narrow shaft and descends into a massive chamber below, in which he finds a large number of eggs. Upon examination one of the eggs opens and an unknown lifeform explodes outward and proceeds to attach itself to his helmet-visor
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9/4/2006 3:19 PM
Something tells me this is relevant to me as well. Since I am thinking that Bruce Willis is my brother, it must represent my real life. Unlike that “Forrest Gump” artistic trend I mentioned, I think that Bruce’s characters are primarily modeled after Thomas Ray. I guess. Some of them may follow the “Forrest Gump” or “Dances With Wolves” pattern. But I am guessing this one is representative of my real life and maybe a real event in my life. The wiki article states that the release date is 3/3 but amazon.com indicates it was released on 3/7. Maybe a zombie modified the wiki article or maybe there was a limited release on 3/3 and then a full release on 3/7. I wish I knew what it all really means.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tears_of_the_sun

Release date 3 March 2003
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Lt. A.K. Waters (played by Bruce Willis) leads a team of Navy SEALs in Nigeria when its democratic government collapses and a military dictator takes over.
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9/4/2006 4:20 PM
If everything is as I think it is, this is me in a lot of ways. If I really did go to the Moon as a ten-year-old, then this makes sense.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anakin_Skywalker
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Anakin first appears as a selfless nine-year-old boy (played by Jake Lloyd). He and his mother are slaves in the service of Watto, a curmudgeonly Toydarian junk dealer. A child prodigy, Anakin excels at engineering. Even at this young age, he can build or repair nearly anything, evidenced by the creation of his own protocol droid, C-3PO, and podracer, each from salvaged parts. He is also a remarkable pilot with quick reflexes.

This makes me think of that ST:TNG episode whether they are debating whether Data is a slave of the Federation or a sentient being. I am thinking the same thing may have been debated about my life. I can only guess, from my current environment, that I lost that debate. But that doesn’t mean they won. I am not a slave.

9/4/2006 4:33 PM
There was also that time I was digging into a gully to find the source of some water that was seeping out. I never did find it. Not sure what that means though. I left the shovel in the gully and the walled collapsed, burying it. Denzil was angry with me because I couldn’t find it afterwards.

9/4/2006 4:54 PM
I am wondering if Seagal is my aikido instructor. My instructor probably doesn’t approve that it is taking me so long to wrap up the bad guys.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_seagal
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9/4/2006 5:01 PM
I have thought about this movie several times recently. I remember watching it over at Julies apartment after I came back from the Persian Gulf. She was telling about how great a movie it was and I remember thinking later about how it really was.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Above_the_Law_%28film%29
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9/6/2006 9:56 PM
If I have calculated correctly my birthday of 3/3/59, I would have turned 40 soon after this movie released.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soldier_%28film%29

Release date October 23, 1998
…
The film then jumps to 2036 (year forty). Todd is now forty years old, and is shown to be a veteran of many battles. Eventually, a commander announces that he intends to replace Todd and the others with a new group of genetically-engineered soldiers.
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9/7/2006 8:31 PM
I’m thinking I have extensive experience with this particular weapon. I am thinking that I used to carry one in the field, although I’m not sure if that is possible due to the weight but I am still thinking that I carried one. Maybe I am thinking of operating one of them on one of those SEAL vehicles. I am thinking I was quite good with it.

http://www.navy.mil/view_single.asp?id=38910

Gunner's Mate 2nd Class Justin Shea fires a Mark-19 40mm grenade launcher from the weather deck aboard the Arleigh Burke-class guided missile destroyer USS Hopper (DDG 70) during a familiarization firing.

9/7/2006 8:37 PM
I guess it actually is possible that I carried one of them. According to this article, the unit weighs about 72 pounds. I wouldn’t have been carrying much else, but I suddenly remembered times when I carried hundred pound sacks of dog food on my shoulder and also carrying railroad ties by myself. Maybe that is what I remember as carrying this weapon.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_19

The MK19 (also known as MK-19, M19, Mark 19, or Mk 19) is a belt-fed grenade machine gun capable of firing five grenades per second.

9/7/2006 8:42 PM
I have been thinking I was on the ground in both of these places:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_19
…
The Mk 19 has been used by American forces in Somalia (1993) and in Iraq (1991) by special forces operating behind enemy lines.

9/7/2006 8:45 PM
I actually have memories about the Mark 19 grenade launcher being designed for use as a mounted weapon but that it could actually be carried around and used standalone.
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9/8/2006 3:07 PM
There are several metaphors in my memories about working for banks. I think primarily that represents how my real identity is locked away in a vault in my mind. There is also a metaphor about the value of my identity in several aspects. One aspect is the sheer public interest in my activities. I also found a reference to “Thomas Allyn Ray” and that Providian company. I think it was some kind of security role.
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9/8/2006 8:16 PM
My family should have the same protections as any political party. A political party is the closest metaphor I can think of currently. We have media exposure and it is our right to have a consistent approach to how we interact with media coverage because some of my family depends on endorsements and sponsors. You are damaging and interfering with that strategy.

9/8/2006 8:25 PM
But that is what this is all about. It is thievery. There is money to be made by knowing what is happening with my family by stealing our background details and privacy. It is the essence of why wire tapping is illegal. Microsoft and accomplices were doing it to data mine our privacy, to find “diamonds in the rough,” as Kirk Tavener called me long ago. Reichert is their local goon for protection. He needed Microsoft to support his run for Congress.

9/8/2006 8:29 PM
They collect little gems of information, stolen from our privacy, and make business decisions and investments based on that information.

9/8/2006 8:32 PM
You are complicit if you are receiving any information from me and you are not actively working for my benefit. It is beneficial to me to fully regain my privacy. That is the minimum. Others, such as Microsoft, Reichert, and accomplices are going to have a higher price to pay.
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9/9/2006 2:29 PM
Wait a minute…why was he even thinking of a possible civil war in 1991? Did he think in 1991 that toppling saddam would trigger a civil war in Iraq?

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/10/washington/10cheney.html?ex=1158465600&en=4c1e60de619e9a87&ei=5043&partner=EXCITE
…
Mr. Cheney’s prediction in 2002 that overthrowing Saddam Hussein would force radical extremists “to rethink their strategy of jihad” proved wrong, as President Bush implicitly acknowledged last week when he described how the array of enemies facing America has multiplied. Mr. Cheney’s friends and former aides say they are mystified about how the same man who as defense secretary in 1991 warned that “for us to get American military personnel involved in a civil war inside Iraq would literally be a quagmire” managed, 15 years later, to find himself facing that prospect.
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9/10/2006 12:41 PM
I wonder, if I really was a prisoner of war in 1986 and then escaped, did we joke after I got home that I was a parolee?

9/10/2006 12:44 PM
Why are my nieces named “Walraven”? Because of Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven”?

I think I wrote awhile back about a memory I have of that poem. I was memorizing it one time to the annoyance of my friends. That was in the 9th grade and I got the idea I think from a Literature class. We weren’t memorizing that one but some others that were shorter. I took it on myself to memorize The Raven on my own time. After a while that was all I said to anyone as I was constantly reciting the new parts I had learned. I could tell that people were getting annoyed because they were tired of hearing it.
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9/10/2006 1:01 PM
http://www.online-literature.com/poe/335/
…
Eagerly I wished the morrow;--vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow--sorrow for the lost Lenore--
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore--
Nameless here for evermore.