This was a few days after USS Samuel B. Roberts FFG-58 was hit. Did I leave for the Persian Gulf the day after Phoebe gave birth to our first child in 1988? I find myself wondering about the '5801' proclamation number. I assume it was because I had survived the attack on the USS Samuel B. Roberts FFG-58 earlier that month. I started thinking that my wife gave birth to our first child and then I left for the Persian Gulf on my first deployment after recovering from my escape from Africa on 5/13/1987. As I wrote earlier, I think the USS Stark FFG-31 was hit by anti-ship missiles on 5/17/1987 because I was onboard and I was being transported for medical treatment because I had just completed my escape from Africa. The USS Samuel B. Roberts was attacked on 4/14/1988, which was 333 days after the Stark was hit and I believe I was on the Roberts at the time of that 4/14/1988 attack.
I am going to contact Phoebe, my wife, the very instant I am allowed to contact her. I haven't contacted her yet because something is blocking me in my mind and I can't goddamned figure out what it is. But I think I am supposed to contact her. I have found myself thinking that before though, only to see some clue that suggests otherwise. I don't know. But I think it is me. It is something I am supposed to remember and the time isn't right yet. At least now according to the plan. The time was right over 9 years ago to see her again!!!! I feel a lot better now that I seem to be remembering her. But why can't I go home? Why can't I go anywhere? What next terrorist attack will Microsoft-Corbis sponsor, with the protection of their domestic terrorist accomplices, such as George W. Bush, Dave Reichert, Norm Maleng, to name a few. What will be their next domestic terrorist attack?
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Re: Mother's Day
Sun, 5/14/06 7:58 PM
I think it was the day after Mother's Day in 1984 when I left for the Navy.
http://www.reagan.utexas.edu/archives/speeches/1988/042688c.htm
Proclamation 5801 -- Mother's Day, 1988
April 26, 1988
By the President of the United States of America
A Proclamation
Maternal love is the first tangible bond any human being knows. It is a tie at once physical, emotional, psychological, and mystical. With all of the words that have been written about motherhood, all of the poems of tribute and gratitude that have been penned through the ages, all of the portraits of a mother and child that have been painted down the centuries, none has come close to expressing in full the thankfulness and joy owing to mothers.
The mark of motherhood, as the story of Solomon and the disputed infant in the first Book of Kings shows, is a devotion to the well-being of the child so total that it overlooks itself and its own preferences and needs. It is a love that risks all, bears all, braves all. As it heals and strengthens and inspires in its objects an understanding of self-sacrifice and devotion, it is the parent of many another love as well.
The arms of a mother are the newborn's first cradle and the injured child's first refuge. The hands of a mother are the hands of care for the child who is near and of prayer for the one who is far away. The eyes of a mother are the eyes of fond surprise at baby's first step, the eyes of unspoken worry at the young adult's first voyage from home, the eyes of gladness at every call or visit that says she is honored and remembered. The heart of a mother is a heart that is always full.
Generation after generation has measured love by the work and wonder of motherhood. For these gifts, ever ancient and ever new, we cannot pause too often to give thanks to mothers. As inadequate as our homage may be and as short as a single day is to express it -- ``What possible comparison was there,'' a great saint wrote of his mother, ``between the honor I showed her and the service she had rendered me?'' -- Mother's Day affords us an opportunity to meet one of life's happiest duties.
In recognition of the contributions of mothers to their families and to our Nation, the Congress, by a joint resolution approved May 8, 1914 (38 Stat. 770), has designated the second Sunday in May each year as Mother's Day and requested the President to call for its appropriate observance.
Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby request that Sunday, May 8, 1988, be observed as Mother's Day. I urge all Americans to express their love and respect for their mothers and to reflect on the importance of motherhood to the well-being of our country. I direct government officials to display the flag of the United States on all Federal government buildings, and I urge all citizens to display the flag at their homes and other suitable places on that day.
In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-sixth day of April, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and twelfth.
Ronald Reagan
[Filed with the Office of the Federal Register, 2:34 p.m., April 27, 1988]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Re: Sleep journal 3/24/06
Can't remember what I dreamt of last night. Feel like it was important, that I should record it, but I can't remember now. That probably means it wasn't a foreign dream though. I think I always remember the foreign dream. Unless they are getting better at making them less distinquishable as foreign versus natural dreams. I am dying for a good nights sleep. I can only sleep for a short period at any time of the day before something wakes me up and I can't go back to sleep. For one thing, I feel like there is a hidden camera in one of the fire detectors in the ceiling, or in someother place that I don't expect it to be. For another, people make a lot of noise around here. If it isn't somebody snoring, it's somebody rustling through a plastic bag, or loud conversations. I can't sleep with my headphones on because I have to stay on my back and then the flourescent light is glaring in my eyes, which I can't turn off. Also, this cheap radio I have doesn't retain the preset stations when the battery dies so I have to reprogram it everytime I fall asleep with it on and the battery dies.
A few nights ago, I dreamed of being out on a two-lane highway. The pavement was nice and smooth and new-looking, perfect for long-distance bicycling. But in this dream, I was jogging, or maybe walking fast, I'm not sure. It was some kind of competition perhaps. I think the central element of the story was that I was ahead of something or somebody. The only other person I saw was my deceased step-brother. I was moving along the highway and had just climbed up a steep portion of the road that was a switchback section going up a hill. I was at some kind of plateau that then went along under the ridge of the hill. It looked sort of familar, with the uniform tree height telling me that it had probably been logged at one time. My step-brother was acting normal in this dream, as if he was still alive. But he was trying to catch up with me, I guess. I didn't feel like he was chasing me, but yet that seems to be an element of the story. At one point, he was talking to himself and I could hear him and he mentioned a name but I can't remember now what he said. In the last part, he was approaching a fire on the shoulder of the road that apparently I had started, some kind of camp fire. I recall that there was another person there, but I can't visualize that person, it is more of a presence. Not so much an apparition or anything like that, just an unidentified person. I remember thinking during the last part of the dream as I looked at the fire, which was still in sight, that I could use it to stay warm because I was feeling cold.
Last night or maybe the night before, I had another dream about running. I was on a paved path, but the scenery isn't familar. After awaking, I remember thinking that it felt familar, similar to a section of path outside this homeless shelter, but the scenery isn't the same. There was again a presence in this dream, a presence that represents an unidentified person. In this case, the person was forcing or maybe motivating me to run as hard as I could along the path. I don't know why. Thinking back to that one scene in my mind now, it seems like this was all happening, there was some dialogue occurring, but I couldn't hear any of it. Also, it seemed that there was still more path to travel, but this unknown person decided to let me stop running and I started walking. A convience store was up ahead and I got the suggestion to get some Gatoraide, which I was looking forward to.
Today I have been thinking again about that dream I had right before I left Microsoft. It was the dream about seeing two cloud towers from what seemed to be nuclear explosions. I think about this in terms of a foreign dream. Someone may have suggested something to my sleeping mind about "truman." I may have interpreted it as Harry Truman, who authorized the release of the two atomic bombs in WW2. It was later, when I was in the VA I think, when I started thinking about that movie "Truman." I had never seen it before. I wonder if that was the purpose of the suggestion, to make me think of that movie.
Sometimes I wonder if they are controlling me in what little sleep I get. Controlling me in the sense of discouraging me from leaving this place to go live in the woods somewhere. I feel like I should feel a lot worse than I do now. If I left this place for the woods, I could build some kind of platform in a tall tree where I could get some sound sleep. Leaving here though would take me out of this system, this program. I would transition into a lower state of homelessness, instead of making upward progress as this program provides. The only way to get back into a program like this, if I left, would be to go back to the VA for treatment, but I suspect they would turn me away because I can't make the copayments. I just want to sleep and know that no one is trying to screw with my mind.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Re: manipulate
Thu, 3/23/06 3:40 PM
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=manipulate
manipulate
To influence or manage shrewdly or deviously
[I found some information on a university website that discusses the manipulation of dreams. But it isn't exactly what I am looking for, although it does suggest that doctors do things like that. It's a hard subject to research on the internet. I also realized something I have been assuming for a long time. I have no doubts that someone has been manipulating my dreams but I realized that if anyone is trying to test whether that is happening to me, it is hard to determine in these settings. Also, for a while, people were saying all kinds of stuff around me when I was in my bed in my little cubicle. After I pointed out somewhere, in the bathroom I think, that I wasn't always asleep when they did that, the comments have dropped off a lot. Although now that I say this in private, my environment will change again in response. That one guy was driving me absolutely bonkers, he was always mumbling stuff that I would hear, it was driving me up the wall. Anyway, there was one day a while back, I woke up, quickly dressed and rushed downstairs thinking I was late for lunch. I have thought about that several times now. I wasn't thinking about anything. I rushed down the stairs and then stood there with a fork in my hand at the lunch window waiting expectantly on the people behind the counter. After a minute or so, one person told me lunch would be in a half hour. I then realized I knew it was 11:30. I had looked at my watch but it didn't mean anything. In hindsight, it is like my mind was blocked. I suspect they gave me a suggestion while I slept that I was late for lunch and to hurry downstairs. I've never been hypnotized before but that must be what it feels like. After she told me I was early, nothing so much clicked, as I would expect something like being jarred awake, rather I realized I knew that, I knew it was 11:30. I want to say that it was an unsettling experience, but also when I look back at it, it seemed kind of fun. I can't explain precisely what about the experience was fun, it just seems almost like a fond memory. It seems like I should feel more weirded out about it.]
The problem with something like this, as it dawned on me the other day, and I'm not sure if I was prompted to mention this, is that it is hard to prove that I was dreaming when they communicated the information to me. If I had been awake, I would have heard the instructions and went along with it. Additionally, I get these thoughts like that, and I don't know anymore if they are just regular impulses that I would normally control or whether they are some kind of post-hypnotic suggestions. There are just some things I feel compelled to note in my journal.
[This reminds me of something I told a doctor in the VA. He was relating something to me about Freud. I commented about the difference between invention and discovery. My basic understanding of Freud is that you can't really prove anything he said. It's sort of like astrology, in the sense that it shapes the way people perceive the universe. Essentially people see things they want to see them and discard the stuff they don't want to see.]
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nancy_School
The Nancy School was an early French school of psychotherapy founded in 1866 by Ambroise-Auguste Liébault in the city of Nancy. Hypnosis played a great part in the treatment methodology. Ambroise-Auguste Liebeault suggested in a monotonous but penetrating a tone they feel better with suggestions regarding health, digestion, circulation, coughing, etc. He had 100's of cures. He was follower of the theory of Abbé Faria. A professor from the University of Nancy, Hippolyte Bernheim arrived to expose him and instead was convinced. Hippolyte Bernhiem conducted much research into this subject. Prior to Sigmund Freud, Suggestion was the only known method of psychotherapy. This was used extensively with good results. Bernheim joined Liebeault and they conducted a clinic together. In 20 years, they treated over 30,000 patients together with suggestions under hypnosis. They had such amazing success that doctors from all over Europe came to study under them, including Emile Coue and Sigmund Freud . The Nancy school was based on psychology and verbal suggestion using light hypnosis with no amnesia effect.
Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nancy_School"
http://www.odci.gov/csi/kent_csi/docs/v04i1a05p_0003.htm
[...]
The Subject Unaware. Hypnosis has reportedly been effected without the subject's awareness in three situations--in sleep, in patients undergoing psychiatric consultation, and spontaneously in persons observing another subject being hypnotized.
I remember this one time when I was living at Limestone. I was in that second apartment that I thought would be quieter than the first one. One morning, just as I awoke, I heard a voice say "good morning Kerry." It sounded like it was from the PA system of that car dealership down the road. It was very creepy. I remember telling a coworker about it. I also remember, coincidentally, telling coworkers that I could, from my apartment, see who left their monitors on at night. With a good telescope, I could have easily read what was on their screens. Sometimes I wonder if it was noticing stuff like that that got me labeled as "troublemaker." They were scared of the implications and like ostrich's sticking their heads in the sand, blamed the messenger.
