JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Sleep journal 2/16/06
I dreamt a lot lately, but end up not remembering very much. The only dream segment I remember has a navy uniform theme to it. I just remember something about wearing the uniform and something about wearing the E-9 insignia. In the latest one, I remember something about an officer informing me that the recommended me for a high-profile military academy. But since I am too old now to attend someplace like Annapolis, the scenario may have occurred in the past, especially because sometimes I see things that suggest several officer paygrade, with LCDR the highest rank I have seen myself associated with.
I'm not when this started, or whether I saw it in a dream, but I've had these ideas about something Microsoft is up to. Recently I wrote that Microsoft is 'possibly' the culprit in all this, but then I realized that it is highly likely they are responsible, they just have thousands of lawyers sitting around thinking up ways to obstruct justice so this thing never gets resolved. I started thinking that the government was trying to resolve, but Microsoft hoisted their Jolly Roger flag and sailed into the fog after making me walk the plank. I am thinking now something about Microsoft, maybe even Bill Gates personally, threatening to move Microsoft out of the country for some reason, I guess if the government forces them to stop obstructing justice. The impact would mean all those people on campus would lose their jobs and then that would have a ripple impact. If Microsoft is really making a threat like that, I think it is highly deplorable to use those people as human shields. It sounds like something someone from the Khaddafi School of Business Leadership would do.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Maybe tomorrow
Fri, 2/17/06 8:20 PM
Another day of wasted optimism that they will stop tormenting me today. Maybe tomorrow.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: malice
Sat, 2/18/06 10:59 AM
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=malice
malice
Law. The intent, without just cause or reason, to commit a wrongful act that will result in harm to another.
wanton disregard for the rights of others or for the value of human life
feeling a need to see others suffer
"Kerry began to suspect that the anonymous tormentors enjoyed seeing and hearing him suffer from the loss of his private life and that it was a game where they were gambling on his life as well as using his suffering to promote their businesses."
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Re: Every one that flatters thee
Sun, 2/19/06 10:32 PM
http://www.online-literature.com/short.php/333
As it fell upon a day
In the merry month of May,
Sitting in a pleasant shade
Which a grove of myrtles made,
Beasts did leap, and birds did sing,
Trees did grow, and plants did spring;
Every thing did banish moan,
Save the nightingale alone:
She, poor bird, as all forlorn,
Lean'd her breast up-till a thorn
And there sung the dolefull'st ditty,
That to hear it was great pity:
'Fie, fie, fie,' now would she cry;
'Tereu, tereu!' by and by;
That to hear her so complain,
Scarce I could from tears refrain;
For her griefs, so lively shown,
Made me think upon mine own.
Ah, thought I, thou mourn'st in vain!
None takes pity on thy pain:
Senseless trees they cannot hear thee;
Ruthless beasts they will not cheer thee:
King Pandion he is dead;
All thy friends are lapp'd in lead;
All thy fellow birds do sing,
Careless of thy sorrowing.
Even so, poor bird, like thee,
None alive will pity me.
Whilst as fickle Fortune smiled,
Thou and I were both beguiled.
Every one that flatters thee
Is no friend in misery.
Words are easy, like the wind;
Faithful friends are hard to find:
Every man will be thy friend
Whilst thou hast wherewith to spend;
But if store of crowns be scant,
No man will supply thy want.
If that one be prodigal,
Bountiful they will him call,
And with such-like flattering,
'Pity but he were a king;'
If he be addict to vice,
Quickly him they will entice;
If to women he be bent,
They have at commandement:
But if Fortune once do frown,
Then farewell his great renown
They that fawn'd on him before
Use his company no more.
He that is thy friend indeed,
He will help thee in thy need:
If thou sorrow, he will weep;
If thou wake, he cannot sleep;
Thus of every grief in heart
He with thee doth bear a part.
These are certain signs to know
Faithful friend from flattering foe.
I don't remember when I first read this. But it sure resonates with me. It is even ironic the part about May. If I'm not mistaken, it was May 31 when I gave up my apartment. I want to sit down and try to write out as much of a timeline after that as possible, but I can't remember a lot of the details, although I knew all along that my tormentors knew exactly what I was doing and where I was located every minute of every one of those days. And so in this message below, he is talking basically about how people can talk about being your friend, but it is when the world throws you down into some really dark place, it is your friends that are going to be there with you. And I remember those first 9 days I was starving and I couldn't believe not only were they still oppressing me with their cage, but that no one even attempted to leave any food on my doorstep or something like that. In a lot of ways, it really hasn't been any different than that time I was standing on the pier in July of 1988, with a new lesson on loneliness. I think that was a defining moment of misery. People have undoubtedly suffered more, but this all was needless. It was stupid. I was a hostage of sociopaths. I know sure as hell if I listened to someone starving for 9 days, I would have done something, anything. No one did anything. But listen. And they kept listening. For that one month after I ran out of money, because my bank account had been frozen I assume in anticipation of eviction, I went over half that month without eating anything. It actually wouldn't have been that big a deal to fast that long. It was painful, but if my intention had been to fast, it would have been bearable. But this wasn't a fast. I had no idea that it was going to end. I hoped it would. I hoped someone would do something other than sit there and listen to me starving while they were probably eating their meals. I know with absolute certainty that if I had not sent that message to Senator Murray office, I would be dead right now. After 9 days, I decided to go through with my plans to jump off that bridge near Shelton. I picked it because it was something like 420 feet and would definitely be fatal. And it was out in the middle of nowhere so I knew no one would be around to get in my way. So I had about two dollars left. I had been keeping it to buy a little bit of food, enough to keep me from passing out as I drove down there, I figured it was about 100 miles away. I had 3/8's of a tank of gas and I figured I was probably going to have to walk the last 20 miles or so. This was definitly going to be a one-way trip unless these bastards listening to me stood up and quit tormenting me. So I left and started out and I stopped at a QFC in Kent on the way to pick up whatever food I could get for two dollars and then head out for the High Steel Bridge. But for some reason, I decided to try my ATM card to see if I could get some money, I had about 300 dollars left. It wasn't enough to pay my bills, but at least it would buy me some more time. And it worked. I was able to make a withdrawl and I know certainly that that change saved my life. I bought some food and kept driving on my way to Shelton, at least now I wouldn't be in such misery and I would be able to buy some gas to drive the whole way there. But as I drove a few miles, the interstate traffice was slowed down due to construction and I had some time to eat the fruit I had bought. After a little while, I turned around and headed back to my apartment. I bought some more food and hoped that tomorrow would be a better day.]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: cruel
Mon, 2/20/06 10:26 AM
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=cruel
cruel
Disposed to inflict pain or suffering
These adjectives mean predisposed to inflict violence, pain, or hardship, or to find satisfaction in the suffering of others
lacking or showing kindness or compassion or mercy
[As they listened to Kerry starving, no one even made an attempt to stop it, such as throwing a can of food on his doorstep, slipping a dollar into his car, or even simple as simple as anonymously having a pizza delivered to his apartment instead they listened to him dying not unlike a dog lying in the ditch after being struck by a car and Kerry sits here hoping they would have to go to jail.]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: starve
Mon, 2/20/06 9:53 AM
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=starve
starve
die of food deprivation; "The political prisoners starved to death";
deprive of food; "They starved the prisoners"
deprive of a necessity and cause suffering
"They sat there listening in to Kerry's privacy and they had no problem with doing nothing with Kerry starved for those 9 days because they were going to continue to let Kerry starve because they wanted to hear him take his last breath as he died from starvation and then they were going to call someone in to collect his corpse and then they would stick a band-aid on his corpse so they could say they did something helpful."
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: anxiety
Mon, 2/20/06 9:45 PM
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=anxiety
anxiety
Psychiatry. A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.
[The only hope Kerry had of escaping from the years of torment from people spying on him would be to cower in a dark corner somewhere, except he knew they probably had cameras on him there too and when he complained that they were going to strangle him, they just held his head under the water for a longer period of time while ensuring that this experience would also be a source of humiliation for him because he complained.]
