JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Re: WHY AM I STILL IN THIS GODDAMNED PRISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sat, 7/15/06 6:13 PM
WHY AM I STILL IN THIS GODDAMNED PRISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT MOTHERFUCKING COWARD AM I GOING TO HAVE TO BITCH SLAP TO FIND OUT WHAT MOTHERFUCKING COWARD IN KEEPING ME IN THIS GODDAMNED PRISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
goddamn stupid punk as idiot moron motherfucking worthless moron stinking idiots
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Journal May 25, 2006
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There is also some memory here about Sicily, but I'm not sure what that is about, I had to stay there for a while, there is almost something like a pleasant memory that won't come up to the surface associated with that time. There was something there about being by myself.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Re: I don't know if I am winning or losing an effort by the Borg to assimilate my mind.
Tue, 5/16/06 5:55 PM
I don't know if I am winning or losing an effort by the Borg to assimilate my mind. I have this sense of dread I can't explain. But there is something........I can't put my finger on it, something, something, something, what is it? I had the strongest feeling this morning that I don't know who I am. Then it just clicked back. It just turned off. I think it was something someone on tv said while they were listening to me. I find myself thinking about that part in that 1998 Star Trek movie where Data realizes he is missing some memory chips. And I heard someone just the other day saying something similar. I keep my headphones on to block out stuff like that, but......what am I missing? What other clues are there that I've missed? Are people telling me this all to help? Do I need help? All I know is I need to get the hell out of here. Goddamn it, when do I get out of HERE!!!!!!
And what memories are real and what memories are manipulated? Did I ever live in a town named Greenville and work repairing cash machines? Did I ever live in a place named Lincoln on the Green? What a clever way to express the concept of "follow the money." And what about Central and Greer? And did I live next to that road named Royal Point before that ST:TNG episode where Troi was talking about dreams being the "royal road"? Is any of this true?
There was something I was thinking a while back, in the context of my artificial life, that I never had to work to find a girlfriend as they usually found me. It could be that in reality, I was always dating such beautiful women that I didn't even have to worry about romance that I never really learned to appreciate just how great is Phoebe, my wife. I knew she was great and she was greater than anyone else I dated, but there is something else I can't fully articulate yet that describes just how great she is. I could always sense she was the one for me, it could just be that I should have articulated that more to her. She is so great because she is such a great person and she might have not understood that I was so attracted to her on many different levels. I wonder if I was always secretly scared of losing her because I loved her so much. There is still something I have to remember. I'll know it when I see it.
The thought occurred to me that I had a double attending high school at Van Nuys and I guess he graduated with the Class of 1977 after 4 years of attendance. He might have been friends with Paula Abdul and that was why I was thinking she and I had dated. But it has always been me dating and married to Phoebe. I arranged for her to star in "Fast Times" because I wanted to create a historical marker to point to my experience in Vietnam and, as my girlfriend, she represented one of those opposite characters I wrote of, in terms of artistic devices. I can't actually remember watching her performance in that movie, but from what I read, I assume her part was created to reflect our relationship, but kind of with the roles reversed in certain aspects. I selected Van Nuys because the initials V.N. point to my experience in Vietnam. It's the same reason I "remember" that Thedia had those two red V.W. cars and that was to symbolize that I was flying in combat in the Vietnam War when I was a kid. It is possible that even my real brothers and sisters thought I had really attended Van Nuys High School and then went on to the U.S. Naval Academy, where I really did attend the USNA. We explained that I needed to interact more with people my own age. My family is probably quite confused. They know I have an official United States federal covert identity but even they don't know the full picture. The double was there at Van Nuys when I was in deep space and that was part of the cover.
I don't even know why the hell I am even writing this.
It is hard as hell to try to balance the prosecution of these goddamned Microsoft-Corbis criminals with trying to keep Phoebe, my wife, as happy as she deserves to be.
I wonder if that mental block - or at least how I have been describing it - has been something I wrote earlier about my mind being chrono'd. All my possible pasts flutter behind me. I got the notion of "chrono'd" from the "7 Days" science fiction television series. The star of that series was a "chrononaut" who could travel up to 7 days into the past. He worked for the NSA and the mission was to go back in time to prevent disasters. The problem for him was that he remembered both time periods. I think something similar has been happening to me. I remember what people believed about me. If part of my cover identity involved dating Paula Abdul, then as my memories were returning, that is what I remembered. I didn't necessarily remember that it was part of my cover identity. There are people who know me that might have believed I dated her, but that was only part of my cover. As my memories were suppressed, I lost consciousness awareness of that detail as well. And still I don't really know if that is true. It is just a thought that is present in my mind and I don't know why it is there. It is either a real memory trying to return or it is just a random thought.
And then there would be the sense that I couldn't control how my wife was going to find out about my official covert activities with the U.S. military. I probably sensed, or anticipated, that she just couldn't believe she didn't know about all that work I did. I think she knew I was a pilot, but maybe she just thought I was a transport pilot and that is where the ideas about FedEx in "Cast Away" came from. It could be they have thought I was in the U.S. Navy Reserves, instead of how I am actually a regular commissioned officer and have been since I was commissioned with the U.S. Navy in 1982. I still don't consciously remember what they knew or thought they knew. They knew I had some kind of military connection but they didn't know what I really did. It is probably why, in my current symbolic and artificial memories, Joseph Wayne Burgess drove a freight truck. That would be symbolically equivalent to a FedEx transport plane. Other examples are how in my artificial and symbolic memories, I was the helmsman of a U.S. Navy frigate instead of an F-14 Tomcat fighter jet. Another artificial and symbolic memory is of connecting a cable on the flight deck of a frigate to recover a helicopter instead of the reality where I was highly skilled at using the tailhook of a U.S. Navy fighter jet to land on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier. Where I remember that I was married to a woman named Tracie, who was cute and nice and in love with me, I am in reality married to Phoebe.
The Microsoft-Corbis terrorists have probably been trying to trick them into revealing my covert activities as they have been trying to do to me. We planned for that though. Timing is everything.
