JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Sleep journal 2/24/06
I remember only one scene from my dreams last night. It was of looking down into a paper bag that had a cat in it. I am confused about whether the dream was from the perspective of my eyes or whether I was the cat. Maybe both. I remember the cat was really pissed off. I remember seeing what would seem to be my arm reaching into the bag to pet the cat. I don't know if it occurred during the dream or after I woke up, but I remember thinking how that seemed like a bad idea. I remember a voice saying something about how it just wanted to pet the cat, but I am uncertain whether the voice was saying "I" or "We" to indicate whether it was me talking to the cat or whether the spectators were talking to me, respectively. I awoke with a relevant lyric fragment playing in my head, but I don't remember it now.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Sleep journal 2/25/06
Had a few dreams but I don't remember any details. I remember at one point early into my sleep waking up and reminding myself to remember the dream and the song lyric fragment but I had forgotten them by the time I got up. I do remember at what seemed to be right before I got up, they said something about how bad it must be to have people screwing around with your mind. I think they said something like it must be bad to have people inside your head, or something like that. I feel so flattered to have such sympathetic dream terrorists.
My head hurts this morning. I slept soundly last night, but only because I go two or three nights with lousy sleep to the point that when I do sleep soundly, it is because I am exhausted. It is as easy sleeping in here as in a barn with all the people snoring. It smells like a barn in here too.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: "The Great White Whale"
Thu, 3/2/06 12:29 PM
[I went down to lunch here in the shelter and I picked up a cup for some milk. I reached around another person and without looking at it, picked up the cup and went to sit down. I turned the cup around and on it was printed "Canberrra World Cruise 1988" with an emblem on it of their travels through the Pacific and approaching the Persian Gulf. I looked it up here on the internet, thinking of how it seemed a Lost-esque messages in a bottle.]
http://www.sscanberra.com/index.htm
[...]
Canberra started her illustrious career in 1961, taking emigrants to a new life in Australia, but as global transportation and travel habits evolved, so did Canberra. In the early 1970's she was almost scrapped. The need for passenger liners diminished as both air travel and oil prices increased. A last minute reprieve saw the ship transferred to the growing cruising market. She never looked back.
In 1982 Canberra became an national heroine as she transported British troops into the war zone of the Falkland Islands. After the conflict, "The Great White Whale" as she had become known, returned home to a fantastic welcome in Southampton. After this, her popularity reached new heights and she became the country's favourite ship.
I assume that my relationship with my wife is summarized in the artificial memories of my relationship with Rachel Barnett. I was crazy about her but she didn't know that and I have artificial memories of regrets that I didn't explain well enough my feelings for her. And then I couldn't find her again to tell her how I really felt for her. Somehow, I think I created that device about Rachel in my mind so that I could overcome some kind of mental block that was preventing me from showing her the affection she deserves from me. For Phoebe, the downside could have been that I always sensed she loved me greatly and I never learned to appreciate what life would be like without her. I created the memories of Rachel so I could learn what it was like to lose someone I.......something. And Phoebe has always been there over the past 9 years. I would hear her song but I couldn't figure out where it was coming from. But I have never forgotten my love for her. The essence of my artificial memories of Rachel is a representation of my life if Phoebe had walked out of my life early on and we had not gotten married. I would have gone on to marry Tracie and I would not have been happy because she was not Rachel, or in reality, my wife Phoebe.
I ponder more over how the major characters in "Red Dawn" reflect aspects of my real identity. I think of how the movie reflects what we in the U.S. military were trying to prevent from happening here in the U.S. at the time. It probably also reflects that I was operating in Afghanistan with our allies there. I tend to identify more with the character Powers Boothe portrays, but I think several of the characters reflects aspects of my identity. The character Powers Boothe portrays reflects the kind of experience I had in 1984, even though I was only 25 years old at the time. By 1984, I was already a Vietnam Veteran with a great deal of serious combat time under my belt. If I have this figured out correctly, I had received two Medals of Honor for that Vietnam combat experience. Also by 1984, I had walked on the Earth's moon every time an Apollo flight landed there. I was a veteran of the Gemini space program, which was the predecessor of the Apollo space program. In 1984, I had already graduated from Princeton University, Oxford University, and the U.S. Naval Academy. Seven year earlier, in 1977, I returned from 15 months in deep space to explode a comet, from being the first man on Mars, the first man to visit Saturn, the first man to visit Jupiter. By 1984, although I was only 25 years old, I had been an accomplished fighter jet pilot for 17 years.
So when the character Lea Thompson portrays refers to Powers Boothe as an 'old man' that probably reflects how I felt, at least in terms of experience.
I have also been pondering another aspect of that movie though. I think about that scene after Powers Boothe's character was killed and Lea Thompson was crying about how she would never love again. When I watch that movie, I feel a measure of jealousy when she leans in for comfort from that other guy as she was crying. I have been thinking that Lea Thompson's character reflects my relationship with Phoebe at the time of that movie.
So then I started thinking the guy she leaned into for comfort is a character that actually reflects certain aspects of my identity as a kid fighting in Vietnam. But she represents what I did not turn into. At that time in 1984, the wars I was fighting in Lebanon, Afghanistan, Falklands, was probably bringing back a lot of old bad memories about Vietnam. That scene of Lea Thompson represents how Phoebe was there for me at those times and how she loved me when I was.....something. I can almost articulate it, but there is still something else I can't yet get to in my mind. I don't know if her effect was so obvious to me at the time or how long it took me to realize just how important she was to me. I probably loved her deeply already back in 1984, but she was.....something else. She was....something else. Something more
I think it is this scene that sums up a lot the effect she had on me. She was my shield from all that hate and craziness I was seeing around me. I think it is very important, in terms of this notion about Phoebe's impact on my life, that this dialog listed below occurs between Powers Boothe's character and "Robert." It is a notion of a more mature side of my self talking to a younger part of my self. Both of those characters ended up getting killed, so that reflects concern for Phoebe because there was a real possibility that I could get killed.
Memorable quotes for
Red Dawn (1984)
...
The Colonel: All that hate's gonna burn you up, kid.
Robert: It keeps me warm.
