I miss my wife beyond tolerance. I am thinking that my wife and I have a really good marriage. I feel as though I have been tricked into revealing to her my covert activities with the U.S. government. I don't think she understood any of this until recently and she might have felt some tension over the years because she knew I was up to something but she didn't understand. I was probably distracted a lot, too, considering everything. There was something going on that I had good reason to be seriously concerned about.
I am thinking I took my wife to Milan for her 18th birthday and I later proposed to her in Frederiksted. I think I remember that; just differently. I find myself trying to avoid comparing my artificial memories to my real memories of her, but I don't know how else to find my way back home, which is dependant on the completion of my official federal covert investigation. I think many of my memories of her are encoded into artificial memories but that is a problem because I doubt she would like to hear me describe our special times in terms of me being with my memories of another woman. It is very frustrating. I am making progress on finding my real memories but I just don't seem to have any control over how I progress and I don't understand how that could be. I miss her greatly.
I am also quite certain this past 9 years has been a lot tougher for her because she knew specifically why she was lonely. I was very lonely too in all these years apart but I didn't consciously understand why I was so lonely. Being apart had been hard, but I think it would have been a lot harder if I had consciously remembered her all this time.
So when I think I proposed to my wife in St. Croix and I have been wondering about the ring I gave her. I want to say I gave her a huge diamond, but I have conflicted notions that I had a secret cover to maintain. If I had given her a huge diamond that was beyond the salary range of a junior U.S. Navy officer, that might have created suspicions about my secret business activities with The Doors, Pink Floyd, etc. Or I threw caution to the wind and did give her a huge diamond that was comparable to my feelings for her because I could afford such a demonstration of affection. Or I am just remembering how I thought about all this as I was shopping for a diamond for her. In my symbolic and artificial memories, I “remember” giving Tracie a diamond and I remember that day well but I am not sure if that “memory” is near-literal or near-opposite to the reality with my wife. I would guess it was near-opposite, meaning that Tracie, in my artificial memories, represents a notion of mediocre that I never knew with my wife.
I want to tell my wife so many great things about how I feel for her, but I have to weigh that with this assignment. I sense she is happy but I hope she understands that we are targets of criminals. I haven't done anything that would crush our marriage or love, but she is seeing me as a POW and it is really only we she and I are alone that I can really talk freely to her. And I really don't want her to see the ugliness of that other world I have to operate in. I really don't want her to have to see it and be affected by it. I really want to keep it from......something else I can't articulate.
The essential element to all this is that I am under duress, but that is part of my assignment, or maybe it could just be described that I am at work. This is probably the first time my work has been so secretly televised or however they are doing it. But I am no less a Prisoner of War in this country. The reason I am a POW is that domestic terrorists are actively trying to thwart the investigation of the terrorists that operate and control Microsoft Corporation. They, and their accomplices such as George, W. Bush, Norm Maleng, and others I have named and not named, are the worst of the worst.
They are also blocking me from going home as some kind of strategy so they won't be prosecuted for their criminal activities.
The Simpsons (Repeat)
13 KCPQ: Monday, May 7 6:00 PM
Sitcom, Animated
Bart the Murderer
Bart befriends a mobster, then Principal Skinner disappears.
Cast: Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Nancy Cartwright, Yeardley Smith, Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria Executive Producer(s): James L. Brooks, Matt Groening, David Mirkin
Original Air Date: Oct 10, 1991
