http://www.snpp.com/episodes/4F23
The Principal and the Pauper
First aired on FOX: 28-Sept-97
% Outside, a man rides in a taxi, and passes the school. He reads the
% sign outside. "Tribute to Seymour Skinner... Pull over, driver."
% Back inside, Chalmers stands on stage.
Chalmers: Now I know the school normally serves cake only on Thursdays. And I'm also well aware that today is Friday. Nevertheless, I have a surprise for you.
-- [mumbles debating on what this surprise is] "The Principal and the Pauper"
% Bart rolls out a cake onto stage, drawing applause. Skinner walks up
% and shakes Bart's hand, receiving a small jolt.
Skinner: Ooh, what the... an enjoyment buzzer! [laughs] Oh, thank you. What a wonderful night to share with the people and the town that I love. I have never been happier, or prouder, to be Seymour Skinner.
Man: You're not Seymour Skinner!
Skinner: Skinner!
Chalmers: Skinner?
Man: I'm Skinner!
Agnes: Seymour? Ohhh!
Skinner: Mother!
Man: She's my mother!
Chalmers: Will someone remove that crazy man, please?
Skinner: No, no, he's...he's not crazy. It's true, I'm...[sighs] I'm... an impostor. That man is the real Seymour Skinner!
-- The end of the Seymour Skinner we know and love, "The Principal and the Pauper"
% The townspeople all stare, wide-eyed in shock. Homer, meanwhile, has
% other matters on his mind.
Keep looking shocked, and move slowly towards the cake.
-- Homer's brain upon learning Skinner's true identity, "The Principal and the Pauper"
% End of act one.
% Act two. In Principal Skinner's office, Agnes has fainted and sits in a
% chair.
Chalmers: Now let's clear this up. Who exactly are you?
Man: [salutes] Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army.
Skinner: It's true. I was in his platoon. They said you were killed on that scouting mission.
Skinner: No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. And since '77 I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Boo-Haun.
Marge: That's not a funny story.
Skinner: Well, I guess you had to be there.
http://www.snpp.com/episodes/4F23
The Principal and the Pauper
First aired on FOX: 28-Sept-97
% Arriving back in Springfield, Homer honks his horn, getting the town's
% attention, and lets everyone know the Skinner they know and love is back.
% The townspeople talk with each other, until Principal Skinner comes out
% of the elementary school to speak.
Skinner: You all seem to be forgetting that I am Seymour Skinner! This is where I belong! You can't ask me to disappear just because you like some other guy better! I gave half my life to you people! Aren't I entitled to a little dignity?!
Armin: You're, uh...you're right, Sergeant.
Chalmers: Well, I don't see any way out of this.
Homer: Now if you'll allow me, I think I have a solution that'll satisfy the town, and let Sergeant Skinner keep his dignity.
[Some time later, Sergeant Skinner sits in a chair, tied to a flat railcar. The train whistles and prepares to pull away.]
Skinner: But I'm a hero!
Homer: And we salute you for it. Now don't come back!
-- No good at goodbyes! "The Principal and the Pauper"
I'm sorry, Seymour. It's nice you're alive, but you're just not what I'm looking for in a son. I'm glad you understand.
-- Agnes Skinner, "The Principal and the Pauper"
% The crowd cheers as the train drives away, taking the real Seymour Skinner
% out of Springfield.
Armin: Well, this is a lovely gesture, but we still have to face the fact that I'm not really Seymour Skinner.
Homer: Oh, no we don't. Judge Snyder?
Judge: By authority of the City of Springfield, I hereby confer upon you the name of Seymour Skinner, as well as his past, present, future, and Mother.
Skinner: Okay.
Judge: And I further decree that everything will be just like it was before all this happened! And no one will ever mention it again... under penalty of torture. [The townspeople cheer.]
