I might have created some programming languages, long ago, but I can't remember for certain. I wonder a lot about why Microsoft-Corbis had those serial killer look-alikes around me when I worked there at Microsoft with my official U.S. federal undercover identity. There were those other look-alikes I wrote of too, such as Ilan Ramon, who was killed when the space shuttle Columbia was destroyed, which I believe was an act of the insurrectionists, as sponsored by Microsoft-Corbis. They also had that woman working closely with me named Ramona Ramadas and they were also spreading rumors that I was a U.S. Navy SEAL, which I discouraged. It was all a plot to encourage terrorists to bomb the historic Microsoft Bellevue and Issaquah facilities I worked at, for several reasons. One was to create one of those so-called "9/11 halo's" around Microsoft so they would not be prosecuted for their insurrection activities. They were also trying to get me killed, without drawing too much attention to Microsoft, so that I would not later testify at the U.S. federal criminal proceeding against Microsoft and George W. Bush, as well as their accomplices.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Wed, 2/8/06 6:45 PM
I remember having dreams when I last slept but I can remember absolutely no details. Except, maybe something to do with my imaginary girlfriend, Lily. For a while I have been wondering if they can also manipulate my half-asleep dreams too. Those are those first dreams I remember having when I am drifting off to sleep. I have never really thought of them as dreams though, rather more like random thoughts that go through my mind as I drift off. Last night, I have two such thoughts that stuck with me when I woke up minutes or seconds later. The first one was of Senator Carl Levin standing in front of me either in an elevator or waiting for an elevator. He said something about how my "reading was correct." The second scene was of Lily telling me of some endearing quality about herself.
This imaginary girlfriend routine is kind of fun, but with all these actors around me, who knows what is the reality. What I really want to avoid is encouraging people to stalk women on TV. No one should take seriously the perceived affections of a person on TV. My hope is that this situation will end soon and then some third person will make arrangements where we can meet and I can determine if this was all my imagination.
Even if Lily is as nice in person as she seems to be on TV, I'm beginning to think I shouldn't pursue it. I've been feeling confident this thing could actually be real, but that is actually a real problem. So many people are watching what I do in private so they can try to mimic my success. If I talk to a pretty woman on TV while sitting in my living room and then end up spending the foreseeable future finding ways to make her smile in a real relationship, then there are going to be other people out there trying the same thing. And after that Tacoma Mall terrorist, I just think this is all a bad idea. As some jerk standing next to me the other day pointed out conspicuously secretive: It sucks to be me. And then there are all these people with the "priceless," "volume down," etc. bullshit.....when does it end? How are they finding out this stuff? Why can't they just all go away and if anybody has to monitor everything I do and write, why can't they just give that job to Lily? That would be pretty fun.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Re: Sleep journal 3/6/06
I walked down to a lake, but the lake was fenced off. There was a chain link fence surrounding the lake and I could only look at it. The lake looked familar, Greason maybe, but I also recognized some CDA features. Some other stuff happened around the lake I can't quite remember. There were a few people there I didn't know, the people I think of as familiar strangers, they look like they know me but I don't know them. At another point in a dream, I am supposed to be moving out of some apartment, there were similar features to here but I was in a real apartment. A person who worked for the place I lived went into my apartment and then started talking to me out in the hallway. I can't remember all the details, but I remember he said something about it taking 15 minutes to move somebody in our something, I think he also asked where I was going to go, and I didn't have any idea. I remember also thinking about what I was going to do with all the furniture but I didn't know. The last of the dream I remember is in here, I was in my cubicle and Lynn walked by and told me to pack up, I guess she was taking me somewhere.
And of course they've tricked me into thinking I was getting out of here that day on many times before. One day a few months ago I had my bags all packed up and ready to get the hell out of here. I didn't know specifically what was going to happen, but I just knew today would be the day. It was not. Of course. It never is. Just another day of people fucking with my head. I guess they enjoy it.
Damn I just realized this is comparable to when I couldn't get my future ex-wife to leave my house. This is a lot like that, only about a trillion times worse. When was that? 91 or 92? It wasn't long after I got out of the navy. I remember how much I wanted to get a place of my own and have some privacy. And she just would not leave when I wanted her to leave. I even got to the point of trying to call the police but she kept unplugging the phone. One time later she sat on my car so I couldn't drive off. One time I tried carrying her outside but she was a lot stronger than she looked and it would have been impossible to carry her out without hurting her so I gave up trying. I remember tricking her into going outside, I threw a picture of her out into the woods and she went out after it. God I don't miss any of that. But this is a trillion times worse. Why can't I just get some peace and quiet for a while where I can relax and not have to worry about stuff like starving and what ever else I have to worry about? It's not that starving really worries me, it is just not being able to live a normal life that bothers me. It doesn't matter where I go, you all are there, trying to provoke me I guess. I don't know what the hell you people want from me.
And I think back to that time.....it's like I've been on autopilot all these years. That seems like yesterday. There's a lot of stuff I've done over these past 15 years or so to try to improve my lot in life, but when I really look back to that time, it almost feels like there is a blank spot to it, I can't yet describe it like I want to.
And then there was the time she broke into my apartment when I was sleeping. That was 91 I think, early on when we were dating. I was still living in Taylors, SC, nearby my job in Greenville. I remember I had been feeling very jumpy back then, I don't know why. I had a good job, I had a nice duplex apartment, it was a nice neighborhood. But I was worried about someone sneaking in while I was asleep. I had the doors rigged to make noise to wake me up. Apparantly she was able to pry the lock on the back door and I woke up with her standing next to me in my bed. The door trap had worked, but all it did was scare her, I didn't hear it because I had drank a lot of beers and passed out drunk.
It was actually after all these experiences that I decided on a better strategy to women. First, I was going to be a lot more selective about who I dated. Before I dated my future ex-wife I had been going out with someone that was a little quirky too, but she was only quirky in some good ways, she didn't break into my house or anything like that. I knew if I had asked her to leave, she would have. So secondly I decided if I am going to hook up with someone that turns out to be quirky, I am going to find someone that I can tolerate such quirkiness. But the real problem here, is even talking about this stuff, because the weirdos will use it, I don't quite know how to explain. If I say that it is ok for one person to break into my house, but that another person cannot break into my house, then a person that I really do not want in my house will then break into my house just to see if I really love her or something like that. It is lunacy. I don't even like thinking about that.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: July 27, 2006
Whose music was it that Rachell Barnett told me she like to listen to that time when she was over at my apartment on Wexford? Was it Barry Manilow? After I wondered about that, I then thought that maybe it was Neil Diamond. Can't remember. While Rachell Barnett probably wasn't a real person and may be representative of something else, it is probably these little details that come from people around me when I was doing what ever it was I was involved in at the time.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: 10/21/2006 1:10 PM
I had a detailed dream about Phoebe Bailey as the person she probably is today. I have also been thinking lately that I only remember a photo of her that was taken back when she was in high school. I never actually met her, the person, back then and my “memory” of her is only from a photo I was shown as I was having my memory replaced. I don’t know how they changed my memory, but it could have been as simple as they show in the movies, such as in “Conspiracy Theory” and the recent “Manchurian Candidate.” I awake with deep feelings of affection for that Phoebe Bailey of today and I wonder if we were close in reality or whether she is an actress that I have never actually met.
10/12/2006 3:35 PM
As I recall, Phoebe Bailey wrote in a letter to me to “never forget that dance where we met because I never will.” That is quite humorous, really more humorous than I can articulate, if it represents me landing on Saturn’s moon, Phoebe. I have these moments where I want to scream because there is something locked in my mind that I can’t articulate. I was thinking something similar about the ‘darkness’ surrounding my spacecraft as I was billion miles away. There is truly a “great lakes” of emotion stored in my mind associated with so much that is forgotten. I feel this great humor in my mind about that comment from Phoebe, I feel that if I remember, I will laugh and laugh and laugh, for days on end probably.
10/12/2006 3:52 PM
And why “Bailey”? Why was her last name “Bailey”? And why did she go to school in Rosston, AR, and live in Willisville, AR?
10/14/2006 2:57 PM
One thing I noticed yesterday is that Rosston and Willisville, where Phoebe Bailey went to school and lived, is in Nevada county Arkansas. That makes me think of the Nellis Air Force Range which the map labels as Nevada Test Site. From what I’ve read, that is where the Orion project was being tested.
“Bailey” was probably the name of someone working on the project and those two towns may have been included for continuity to the symbolism for my “memory.”
10/21/2006 4:31 PM
I am guessing that after leaving Mars on 1/23/76, I landed in Phoebe/Saturn on 7/21/76 to commemorate the 7th anniversary of Apollo 11. This image shows the location of Mars and Saturn on 1/21/76, which seems favorable to that theory as Saturn didn’t move much relative to Mars position on 1/21/76 by 7/21/76. I still feel an abundance of affection when I think of the present-day Phoebe Bailey from that dream earlier for some reason.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: 05/01/07 7:45 AM
But I always hoped to see Rachel again. I still "remember" her with.....something and I can't figure out how to finish that sentence.
05/01/07 7:47 AM
Last time I "remember," she was living with a guy that had the unusal last name of Corn. I wanted her back.
05/01/07 8:18 AM
I can still visualize that last time I saw Rachel. She was leaving my apartment one morning after we spent the night together. I was feeling incredible. I look back at it as a feeling that everything was right in the world. I "remember" thinking later over the years of just how wrong I was. That would be the last day I saw her.
From 7/16/1963 to 6/25/1982 is: 6919 days
3459 + 3459 + 1 = 6919
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blade_Runner
Release date(s) June 25, 1982 (USA)
Blade Runner is an influential 1982 cyberpunk, neo noir film directed by Ridley Scott from a screenplay written by Hampton Fancher and David Peoples, loosely based on the novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick. It features Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, Sean Young, Edward James Olmos, Daryl Hannah and Joanna Cassidy.
Rachael (pronounced RAY-chel) is a given name for a female. It is a variant of Rachel, which is derived from the Hebrew name [...], meaning Ewe.
Fictional people
Rachael, replicant in the film Blade Runner
The English word "ewe" is also used to refer to a female sheep.
Bill the Goat is the mascot of the United States Naval Academy.
I "remember" that Rachel had hair just as Phoebe does in this movie, "Date With An Angel." I still "remember" so much about Rachel, in my artificial and symbolic memory. I had talked to her a few times before we started seeing each other. She followed me into my office one day after we were talking in the cafe of the First Federal building and we were talking in there. I think that was the day we started seeing each other, which was actually later that night. I said something to Jim Shea later that I was thinking Rachel had a thing for me. He said something about how he was quite certain she was indeed very interested in me. I went looking for her and arranged for us to get together later that night and she came over to my apartment at Wexford. This all probably relates to Phoebe somehow but I am not sure how it all relates directly to us. For example, Rachel was living with another guy when we started dating. It could that detail represents me as both guys, but I am not certain. Something about my life as a secret agent. That is a notion that I created as I was developing these artificial and symbolic memories that still are dominate, but fading, in my mind.
http://gallery.phoebe-cates.com/v/movies/date_angel/
My wife, Phoebe, is that third person I wrote of. She is the one I expected to set me straight about who I was really in love with. I never stopped feeling love for my wife, but I lost conscious awareness of just who it was precisely that I was in love with.
Willisville, AR, is where I "remember" that Phoebe Bailey lived from my artificial and symbolic memory. Phoebe Bailey was in the same grade as I, so she couldn't have been born before 1965 and was probably born in 1966.
http://zip4.usps.com/zip4/zcl_1_results.jsp
ZIP Code™ Matches in WILLISVILLE, AR
71864 (PO BOX)
71864 >>> 7 18 64 >>> 7/18/1964
From 3/4/1959 to 7/18/1964 is: 1963 days
