JOURNAL ARCHIVE: From: Kerry Burgess
To: Kerry Burgess
Sent: Sunday, May 21, 2006 7:33:28 PM
Subject: Re: Journal May 21, 2006, Supplemental
Kerry Burgess wrote:
Damn, I thought after writing all these notes to myself today, this is going to turn in to the Great Lakes based on the volume. Every single detail I remember to my artificial life means something else, it is some metaphor for something else. All this stuff I see in the movies and television was put there to help me find my way back. It lets me remember, especially the pain and grief, on easier terms, instead of having it slap me in the face all at one time.
From my notes earlier today, I was commenting to myself that something is wrong or off with the timeline. That may be because I am older than I think I am, maybe several years. I can remember some clues over the past few years, of what I considered to be real memories and not implanted memories, that support this theory that I am older.
My current train of thought is that basically, I was in the military, possibly as a pilot along with some other roles, I was a POW at some point and was tortured during captivity. I suspect I was in captivity for a long time, but that sense of time may be from another experience.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 21 May 2006 excerpt ends]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Re: Journal May 21, 2006, Supplemental
It seems odd now, with all things considered, when a girl I went to high school with was emailing me a while back. I remember she sent me pictures of her kids. I was glad to keep in touch with her and I was hoping to see her next time I traveled back there. She and I went to the prom together when we were in the 11th grade. She's not the same person as the Tamara person I mentioned earlier. One time, sometime in the '90s, my grandmother told me I should marry this woman I took to the prom. I reminded grandma that she was already married and had three kids. I think this memory has some importance, other than the obvious. Could she instead be the Helen Hunt character of my Cast Away life? One possibility is that she was communicating with me to test whether I still had an emotional attachment to her, where pictures of her kids would exacerbate those feelings by reminding me that those could have been my kids. Or maybe she doesn't actually exist.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 21 May 2006 excerpt ends]
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/pinkfloyd/time.html
PINK FLOYD LYRICS
"Time"
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off-hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then the one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun
And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
And shorter of breath and one day closer to death
Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desparation is the English way
The time is gone the song is over, thought I'd something more to say
Home, home again
I like to be here when I can
When I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away, across the field, tolling on the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
And hear the softly spoken magic spell
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436697/quotes
IMDb
The Internet Movie Database
Memorable quotes for
The Queen (2006)
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Prime Minister.
Tony Blair: Good morning, Majesty. Sorry to disturb, but I was just wondering whether you'd seen any of today's papers?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: We've managed to look at one or two, yes.
Tony Blair: In which case my... next question would be whether you felt some kind of response...
[Queen Elizabeth puts Blair on speakerphone]
Tony Blair: ...might be necessary?
HM Queen Elizabeth II: No. I believe a few over-eager editors are doing their best to sell newspapers. It would be a mistake to dance to their tune.
Tony Blair: Under normal circumstances I would agree. But... well, my advisors... have been taking the temperature among people on the streets... and, well, the information I'm getting is that the mood is quite delicate.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: So, what would you suggest, Prime Minister - some kind of a statement?
Tony Blair: No, ma'am. I believe the moment for statements has passed. I would suggest flying the flag at half-mast above Buckingham Palace... and... coming down to London at the earliest opportunity. It would be a great comfort to your people... and would help them with their grief.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: [Picks up the receiver] THEIR grief? If you imagine I'm going to drop everything and come down to London before I attend to my grandchildren who've just lost their mother... then you're mistaken. I doubt there is anyone who knows the British people more than I do, Mr. Blair, nor who has greater faith in their wisdom and judgement. And it is my belief that they will any moment reject this... this "mood", which is being stirred up by the press, in favor of a period of restrained grief, and sober, private mourning. That's the way we do things in this country, quietly, with dignity. That's what the rest of the world has always admired us for.
Tony Blair: If that's your decision, ma'am, of course the government will support it. Let's keep in touch.
HM Queen Elizabeth II: Yes. Let's.
[the Queen slams down the phone]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2006 19:32:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kerry Burgess"
Subject: Re:
journal 3/12/06
To: "Kerry Burgess"
And all the deception. I am surrounded constantly by deception. I can't go anywhere without someone deceiving me. When you say something you want me to hear, but you do it by not talking directly to me and by telling me plainly what you are talking about and why you are telling me this to begin with, you are deceiving me. It is everywhere. I can't get away from it. People around me here in this homeless shelter do it, people at work were doing it, people outside are doing it, people on the radio are doing it, people on tv are doing it, everywhere people are deceiving me. Everywhere. In my sleep, people are deceiving me.
Kerry Burgess wrote:
Knowing that killers know that I find it soothing to go out into the woods is just as worrisome now as knowing that they know I enjoy thinking about getting back to Ironman triathlons. I imagine getting back there someday, but during the swim, they are waiting there, somewhere around buoy 1 maybe, underwater after swimming from a nearby boat, waiting for me to swim up there so they can grab my foot and attach a concrete weight to it and drag me down to the bottom. Even if someone sees it happen, they'll never pull me out in time.
Kerry Burgess wrote:
Suicide is lot harder than it sounds. I guess maybe it is because there is still so much I want to do in my life. But the problem, the real problem, is that nothing I want to do involves you. There is nothing I want to do in life that I want to include you in.
The other problem to all this, is that whoever is controlling it is trying to send you, not me, a message. It's not about me, just my life is being used as a device, it is to send you a message that suicide cannot be used as some kind of suicide when you are a secret prisoner. Secret is really the word I am looking for here. It's not a secret, but still I am a prisoner, a captive, in that my life is being secretly controlled by someone else. And again, secret isn't quite the word, but I can't think of a more precise one yet.
I wish I did have something to put me to sleep and just end it easily. I think I would go out to the mountains somewhere, somewhere peaceful. I actually hate to reveal something like that to killers.
Kerry Burgess wrote:
And I guess this is the process for when hope really dies. I am thinking this is how it feels. It is this feeling that none of this matters, this stuff I say. I'm certain I will find a quarter laying conspicously somewhere. It is the message that kills me. That my words here are known by you is what will kill me.
Kerry Burgess wrote:
This gives new meaning to the concept of "suicide watch."
"Yep, we kept watchin' him, and sure enough, he committed suicide."
Kerry Burgess wrote:
A search for "fatal prozac overdose" didn't reveal anything useful. But, of course, what an ironic way to die. Especially considering it almost killed me last year. God what a torture that was
It was miserable beyond description those last few days, especially when I had to sit on a bus for an hour to get to the VA and just keep on them to give me something that would work.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 12 March 2006 excerpt ends]
