JOURNAL ARCHIVE: posted by H.V.O.M at 10:48 PM Thursday, September 15, 2005
Series Finale
Well, it's almost that time. They're supposed to be kicking me out of here tomorrow. This will probably be my last post before I go off the air. They mentioned something about getting me into another shelter, but they haven't said anything else about it. They also said something about being in-patient at the VA again, but what is the point to that? I haven't heard anything in the past few days about any of it.
For the past few hours, I have been thinking of something that happened last time I was on the streets. I was sitting somewhere in Seattle reading Robinson Crusoe, knowing that people with answers were watching me and wondering why they aren't telling me anything, and then a bus went by me. As I looked up, a woman on the bus was looking at me. She was smiling or laughing, I'm not sure which one, it felt like she was laughing. I thought about that for a long time. I thought to myself about how she knew who I was. Why would she be laughing at me? She knows I am living a nightmare, the kind of nightmare people have in their sleep but don't even remember in the morning, and she is laughing at me. That was a new feeling to me, of people laughing at me like that, especially of someone laughing at my misfortune. Not to mention, laughing at me while I am in the middle of experiencing such misfortune, such epic misfortune. What is funny about someone having to stumble around through the dangerous streets waiting for that inevitable moment when some group sneaks up behind you late at night and hits you over the head for the change in your pocket? I thought at first that maybe it was just a coincidence, that it was just a random occurrence, but there has just been too much stuff like that happen. Eventually I would decide that she was laughing because she knew everything was going to be ok for me. She knew who I was and she knew I could weather this storm and be the better person for it in the end. That's what I hope for at least. That is what I continue to hope for though as I was expecting some improvement at any moment and I continue to expect that at any minute I will get the news that turns this all around and I can get back to my life. I just don't know. What a wretched existence this has become. I don't want to go back to the streets but I can't stand it here. If I just knew there was an end to all this, it would be so much easier to tolerate. But living here or living out there isn't much of a difference, either will end up killing me.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 15 September 2005 excerpt ends]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: posted by H.V.O.M at 9:55 AM Wednesday, September 07, 2005
So I got that going for me too.
[ excerpt: Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe ] I now began to consider seriously my condition, and the circumstance I was reduced to, and I drew up the state of my affairs in writing, not so much to leave them to any that were to come after me, for I was like to have but few heirs, as to deliver my thoughts from daily poring upon them, and afflicting my mind; and as my reason began now to master my despondency, I began to comfort myself as well as I could, and to set the good against the evil, that I might have something to distinquish my case from worse; and I stated it very impartially, like debtor and creditor, the comforts I enjoyed against the miseries I suffered, thus: -
Evil: I am cast upon a horrible desolate island, void of all hope of recovery. Good: But I am alive, and not drowned, as all my ship's company was.
Evil: I am singled out and separated as it were, from all the world, to be miserable. Good: But I am singled out, too, from all the ship's crew to be spared from death; and He that miraculously saved me from death can deliver me from this condition.
Evil: I am divided from mankind, a solitaire, one banished from human society. Good: But I am not starved, and perishing on a barren place, affording no sustenance.
Evil: I have no clothes to cover me. Good: But I am in a hot climate, where, if I had clothes, I could hardly wear them.
Evil: I am without any defence or means to resist any violence of man or beast. Good: But I am cast on an island where I see no wild beasts to hurt me, as I saw on the coast of Africa; and what if I had been shipwrecked there?
Evil: I have no soul to speak to, or relieve me. Good: But God wonderfully sent the ship in near enough to the shore, that I have gotten out so many necessary things as will either supply myself even as long as I live.
Upon the whole, here was an undoubted testimony, that there was scarce any condition in the world so miserable, but there was something negative or something positive to be thankful for in it; and let this stand as a direction from the experience of the most miserable of all conditions in this world, that we may always find in it something to comfort ourselves from, and to set in the description of good and evil, on the credit side of the account.
Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe [ excerpt: Robinson Crusoe - Daniel Defoe ]
I was setting in some park in Seattle a couple months re-reading this book as well as strongly expecting that at any minute someone would walk up to me and give me the information I need to get back to my life. I realized this is another one of those passages that struck a chord with me long ago. And oddly enough, of everything I've read lately, this seems the most familar. While the circumstances are different, and aside from the superstition aspect, this passage really seems to capture the essence of my existence over the past two years. I would gladly trade places with Robinson Crusoe right now - he has it pretty sweet.
Just like Crusoe was describing, I can usually find some positive aspect to any negative situation. But I like to sometimes throw in some sarcasm to it, I find that helps me cope, especially in situations like this because I can't help but laugh to myself when I reflect on the ridiculousness of it all. A simple example is telling myself that being homeless is good because I get to catch up on my reading, so I got that going for me.
I am finding it hard though to find the 'good' lately in my deteriorating predicament. They are kicking me out of here in less than ten days. And while I hate being in this shelter, it is not this shelter I hate, I just hate being in a shelter. This is probably by far the best shelter around. It is definitely better than the other shelters I have been in this summer. And so my condition is only going to become worse when I leave here regardless of where I go. The only way it could get better is to get back to the life I was trying to create.
It would be easy for me to stay here. All I have to do is come up with some kind of measurable goal, such as something like getting back into running, something that will show some kind of progress, but that is only a secondary goal at this point. I know how to manage my life and live independently, I don't need a manager for my personal life. But that isn't really the issue, the issue of someone trying to manage my personal life in the context of this shelter. What I do need is for the people that have been spying on me to step forward and admit it. That is my only goal. That is the only objective I will focus on; finding out who it is. Nothing else matters.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 07 September 2005 excerpt ends]
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1991 film "The Last Boy Scout" DVD video:
00:26:17
Joe Hallenbeck: So I'm a low-life.
Alley Thug: That's him. He was with her.
- posted by H.V.O.M - Kerry Wayne Burgess 2:47 PM Pacific Time Spokane Valley Washington USA Tuesday 24 March 2015
