Somewhere in my notes, as I chase myself around in circles because I am a time traveler, I have documented my counter-paradox theory. I forgot what I wanted to write for this sentence. Why is any of this important anyway? Because I want to leave. By some means of time travel effects, I know that I will someday make a time travel jump and I just want to get the hell on the road and get the hell out of this place because I have someplace better to go to.
Someone else out there has my notes that I deliver to the past as a time traveler and I don't know if observations I make, and then do not record in my journal, are created to establish a kind of impending aspect to what I think is going to happen. That has been driving me crazy for a long time.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2006 19:32:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kerry Burgess"
To: "Kerry Burgess"
Kerry Burgess wrote:
If I had something I could take tonight and it would put me to sleep and never wake up again, I would most certainly take it. And none of this would matter anymore.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 12 March 2006 excerpt ends]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2006 19:32:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kerry Burgess"
To: "Kerry Burgess"
Kerry Burgess wrote:
This gives new meaning to the concept of "suicide watch."
"Yep, we kept watchin' him, and sure enough, he committed suicide."
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 12 March 2006 excerpt ends]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2006 19:32:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kerry Burgess"
To: "Kerry Burgess"
Kerry Burgess wrote:
And I guess this is the process for when hope really dies. I am thinking this is how it feels. It is this feeling that none of this matters, this stuff I say. I'm certain I will find a quarter laying conspicously somewhere. It is the message that kills me. That my words here are known by you is what will kill me.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 12 March 2006 excerpt ends]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2006 19:32:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kerry Burgess"
To: "Kerry Burgess"
Kerry Burgess wrote:
Suicide is lot harder than it sounds. I guess maybe it is because there is still so much I want to do in my life. But the problem, the real problem, is that nothing I want to do involves you. There is nothing I want to do in life that I want to include you in.
The other problem to all this, is that whoever is controlling it is trying to send you, not me, a message. It's not about me, just my life is being used as a device, it is to send you a message that suicide cannot be used as some kind of suicide when you are a secret prisoner. Secret is really the word I am looking for here. It's not a secret, but still I am a prisoner, a captive, in that my life is being secretly controlled by someone else. And again, secret isn't quite the word, but I can't think of a more precise one yet.
I wish I did have something to put me to sleep and just end it easily. I think I would go out to the mountains somewhere, somewhere peaceful. I actually hate to reveal something like that to killers.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 12 March 2006 excerpt ends]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2006 19:32:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kerry Burgess"
To: "Kerry Burgess"
Kerry Burgess wrote:
Knowing that killers know that I find it soothing to go out into the woods is just as worrisome now as knowing that they know I enjoy thinking about getting back to Ironman triathlons. I imagine getting back there someday, but during the swim, they are waiting there, somewhere around buoy 1 maybe, underwater after swimming from a nearby boat, waiting for me to swim up there so they can grab my foot and attach a concrete weight to it and drag me down to the bottom. Even if someone sees it happen, they'll never pull me out in time.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 12 March 2006 excerpt ends]
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Date: Sun, 12 Mar 2006 19:32:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kerry Burgess"
To: "Kerry Burgess"
And all the deception. I am surrounded constantly by deception. I can't go anywhere without someone deceiving me. When you say something you want me to hear, but you do it by not talking directly to me and by telling me plainly what you are talking about and why you are telling me this to begin with, you are deceiving me. It is everywhere. I can't get away from it. People around me here in this homeless shelter do it, people at work were doing it, people outside are doing it, people on the radio are doing it, people on tv are doing it, everywhere people are deceiving me. Everywhere. In my sleep, people are deceiving me.
[JOURNAL ARCHIVE 12 March 2006 excerpt ends]
