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070627-N-3642E-559 PUERTO BARRIOS, Guatemala (June 27, 2007) - Secretary of the Navy (SECNAV) The Honorable Dr. Donald C. Winter looks at a swing set being repaired by Seabees assigned to Construction Battalion Maintenance Unit (CBMU) 202. The Seabees are working at a children's hospital in Puerto Barrios as part of a Partnership for the Americas mission to conduct training and humanitarian assistance operations. CBMU-202 is deployed with the joint forces crew aboard Military Sealift Command (MSC) hospital ship USNS Comfort (T-AH 20). Comfort is on a humanitarian deployment to Latin America and the Caribbean region to provide medical treatment to approximately 85,000 patients in a dozen countries. U.S. Navy photo by Chief Mass Communication Specialist Shawn P. Eklund (RELEASED)
I wonder why I "remember" driving to Beaufort, SC, one time. I think it was Thanksgiving and Amanda didn't invite me along with her family and I found that depressing. I thought she took another guy up there, where ever it was they went, along with her. Her sister told me later she had not done that, in response to my questions to Amanda, but I didn't really believe her. I don't know why I was in Beaufort. I think I was just driving at that was where I stopped and got a hotel. I drank over a case of beer that night and then drove back to Charleston in my red Nissan the next day. A tremendously depressing artifical and symbolic-of-something-else "memory."
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070625-N-3642E-179 PARRIS ISLAND, S.C. (June 25, 2007) - Secretary of the Navy (SECNAV) The Honorable Dr. Donald C. Winter and Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Carlton W. Kent are briefed on the in-processing procedures. U.S. Navy photo by Chief Mass Communication Specialist Shawn P. Eklund (RELEASED)
That scene with Phoebe's character in the 1982 "Fast Times At Ridgemont high" at the pool where "Stacy" is asking about "Linda" and "Doug's" love life, suggests to me that indicates "Linda" doesn't know what she is talking about. I probably created Phoebe's character that way, assuming that is my artistic creation. She represents the girl who might talk about sex with her close friend, but she doesn't actually have any first-hand experience with sex. You just assume that she knows what she is talking about because she is so incredibly attractive. I think that after "Stacy" had sex, she became skeptical what "Linda" had been telling her and that is why she questions her about why she had the details wrong about how long "Doug" "takes."
And that was about Phoebe and me. It was about our arranged marriage. The lines reflect how I was anticipating her to become old enough so we could start a romantic relationship. I incorporated elements of that anticipation into her character, combined with our actual romantic relationship in 1981 and 1982. I might have heard about Phoebe talking to her friends in the same manner, when she and I were still just friends, in that she was waiting to get old enough because I was going to be her love interest.
Something about these feelings of pain are because I can't consciously remember details about Phoebe's personality. She is the actress I have never met, as I wrote about the dream where I woke up with feelings of great affection for Phoebe Bailey. It is Phoebe Cates I have deep affection for but yet, I have never met her. At least, not in the context of my artificial memories, with are still dominant in my mind. I have got to remember something specific about Phoebe Cates. There has got to be something specific in my mind I can connect to her, other than all this stuff I feel but do not actually know. There has got to be something. Something that connects us. The notion of Phoebe Bailey is very good, as well as Tracie's birthday, plus UFP, but there must be something else. There was also that girl I liked that grandma Betty said she approved of which is most certainly Phoebe, my wife. There must be something else. She is also that nice girl I remember as Jimmi Anne Armstrong, who was the daughter of the town doctor, but there must be something else. I get to this point though and I try so hard to grasp that reality and I just pushing it farther away. I have to coax it out in my mind. I just have to let the feelings swarm around in my mind and watch for patterns and....something. If I try too hard, I just push it all back into the vault that is inside the vault I am inside.
Stacy Graham. I'll bet that was Phoebe too. First girl I kissed. I can still visualize it. We lived at the U.S. Marine family housing in McAlester, OK. She and the other girls were playing house and I was her husband. I've probably got elements of the Vietnam War mixed in with all those artificial memories, too. The time I can still visualize of her visiting our trailer in De Queen is probably about me thinking of her when I was a Prisoner of War. Maybe I am remembering a dream I had of her when I was being held by the Vietnamese. If that is a cage I remember, then it was quite depressing. I often heard rats crawling around in the walls. It smelled bad. There was dog crap all over the place. It was small and cramped. I was hiding in there from Thedia one time when she was trying to take me to the babysitter, last name Honea I think, because Thedia was going out on her first date with Randy Romine, the Vietnam veteran of the U.S. Army or Marines. That was when Thedia was driving a red Volkswagen and I believe the V.W. is symbolic of my participation in the Vietnam War. I also might have selected the name Stacy Graham because of the Sir Galahad has the same initials. Maybe I realized later that if I had died that day, my last thoughts would have been of Phoebe.
JOURNAL ARCHIVE: Re: Journal May 26, 2006
The fox hunt organizers and the adult field judges were complimentary about my performance because I really got out there and scored the dogs. Micheal laughed during my first fox hunt when I asked if we used a shotgun or a rifle to shoot the fox. I can remember early on after I started judging, when I was still traveling with an adult, I hauled ass across this open field to get the number of a dog out by itself. We hadn't seen much that day and I wanted to score something. The dog came over to lick my hand and I disqualified it. Another time, we were around a campfire one cold night and I was lying on my back on the cold ground and he told me I was going to get sick. We always wore coveralls when we were out there. I have kept a set of those coveralls in all the years since. I think even in my Jeep until I lost it last year, I had a set of those coveralls. I can almost remember feeling naked without them. At one event, the shocks failed on my blue truck and someone commented later he thought I was going to bounce off the road because the chassis was shaking so much from any pothole I hit. Another time something went wrong with the brakes and they were screeching incredibly loudly. I can think of a lot of things like that happening. The frustration of waiting for the gas station to open up, my step-father telling me about how he had almost run out of gas in his truck.
There was that dialog with Donald Gene after I wrecked my Ford. I said: You all right? He said: Yeah, you all right? Yeah, I said. Let's get the hell out of here! I think his door opened but I had to crawl through the window because mine wouldn't open and gas was pouring out next to me.
There was something about a time in my '67 Ford with the muffler. Someone, Micheal I think, told me I could make it backfire if I turned off the ignition at some point. Why that was cool, I don't know, I guess it was a 16-year-old thing. I did it a few times and the muffler exploded. As I was writing this earlier, I found myself thinking about how curious it was that I chose the word "explosion" to describe that event. Micheal told me when I got home that my truck sounded like a log truck coming down the road.
Denzil commented on what a good shot I made on that 9-point deer I killed, I think that was 10th grade, which would have been around 1982 in my memory. I had actually missed it three times before I gave up on using the scope. Since I had raised sights on my rifle, I just switched to iron sights and nailed it. It probably went no more than a body length before it dropped. My mother was bragging to another mother whose son had shot a deer with fewer points. As I thought more about this event, I remembered some other details that leave me confused about what this event represents. One of the hunters that was out with us that day told me he had been scared because I had been yelling, screaming was the word that came to mind later, so loudly. As I remember it, it seems unusal that I was behaving like that, although it makes sense when I consider what a trophy, a glorious trophy, that deer was. Later today I was remembering my History teacher commenting on the bruises on my neck that one day, and then I started thinking about a photo of that deer hanging from a tree, soon to be skinned, with me next to it. That was off Highway 108 if I'm not mistaken, in front of Ambrus Chauncey's house.
Some time soon after mom and Denzil got married, Denzil was teaching me to drive his gray Ford pickup, which was actually a company truck. I had some problems driving it, but my red Ford was much easier for me to operate. My mother commented on how well I operated the clutch, compared to problems I had in Denzil's truck. And thinking about it more reminds me of how much I did enjoy driving my Ford. I'm not sure if I touch on this later in my notes, but I think it is obvious that Ford's are representive of Fighter's. My second truck was a Chevrolet, but I think it still represents a fighter aircraft. I have this feeling it was an F-14 and my first one was an F-16. The -14 is dual-exhaust and the -16 is single-engine. When I first got my '67 Ford, I remember it staying in the shop for a frustrating long time because it had a pre-existing problem with the steering column and Denzil wouldn't let me drive it until it was fixed.
We always went to this truck stop diner in Ashdown called Macs before we went hunting. The place was a dive but the food was good.
Could Ashdown symbolize Academy? I was thinking earlier today about the way the name Amanda sounds kind of like Annapolis. There is also that history I discovered about the name Burgess and how the first Burgess in that line was a governor of Maryland and from what I remember established a place called Londontown, which I later read has something to do with Annapolis. That would be consistent with my memory of living on Wexford in Taylors.
I was thinking there is probably some symbolism to my memories of playing sports in school. I also get the impressive I must have excelled at varsity sports. My first year of school football was the 7th grade and I was a guard, left I think but not sure, and number 62. The next year, I was 72 and a tackle, on the same side as when a guard. The next year, we moved to Ashdown and I was on special teams as well as Tight End and then Defensive End, number 46. The next year I was on the baseball team. The next year was junior year I think but I didn't do anything. The senior year, I had to take PE and we had a mixture of basketball, tennis, and some others.
I'm pretty sure I was 14 when we moved to Ashdown, which may correlate with F-14. At 16, I got the red Ford. I was probably 17 when I got the Chevrolet, but it features more prominently in my mind when I was 18. I had turned 18 early into my senior year, something to do with me being one day too young to start with the previous class.
I remember one time, with my red Ford, driving to the junior prom. I had a problem with the shifting rods that I never got fixed. It was a 3-speed manual with the shifter on the column. Sometimes the shifting rod linkage under the hood got stuck and I couldn't shift gears. This one day, I was standing there in the middle of town at a busy intersection in my white tux with the hood up to get the linkage unstuck. It wasn't so much embarassing as just annoying.
Earlier this morning, I started remembering something from long, long ago. I had completely forget about this. For some reason, remembering this memory makes me think of two things. One thing it does is to remind me that I did have an iterest in flying as a kid. For some reason, if someone would have asked me if I had been interested in flying when I was younger, I would have responded that I never had an interest in flying. And the memory was about the Canadian Air Force. For some reason, I wanted to fly for the Royal Canadian Air Force. I have no idea what that means. There was this one jet I liked, but I can't remember which model it is. I have this memory too about the Saudi's flying it as their main fighter. Now I'm thinking it wasn't Canada, it was Saudi Arabia, as in I was associated with them somehow that I can't remember now. I also remembered that Sabre driver from Korea that was something like a hero to my when I was very young. They called him Mac I think, McDonnell or McConnell, would have to look it up. I think he was a triple-Ace from Korea.
I made some notes again about that one bad fight I remember from long ago. I have been trying to keep these thoughts in sequence I made the note, but this is kind of jumbled up as more and more details have been coming back to me today. The key part to note is the detail that came to me last, at about 2 pm today. The fight was a result of me getting shot down by a chick in a bar. It ended with me standing toe to toe with this one guy. I hit him square on the jaw and left him with a noticeable bruise and I knew he remembered it for a few days at least. But then he proceeded to beat the living crap out of me. I noticed in the mirror today that I still have some kind of scar, lumpy mass, whatever, under my right eye from that. I think that is from where I was kicked in the face after I was down on the ground. I remember now telling Liz, that chick that reminds me of Picards wife from that lost world, and she told me it was barely noticeable.
Later, I was remembering how my parking spot next to our house on Hicks Road could easily symbolize being lauched off a carrier. It was dangerous because I couldn't see if there was another car coming as I powered my way up and out onto the road and some of those other people really flew down that road. I pulled out at an angle to the road, although some times I went straight up and out, depending on the direction I was heading.
The guy I remember riding with me when I crashed my red Ford was named Donald Gene. The Radar Operator from the Wainwright also had the initials D.G., as in David Gugel.
I wrote in my notes at this point, wondering what the code "winchester" meant in the Navy.
Donald Gene's father was named Ambrus Chauncey, or A.C. AC is the Navy rating designation for an Air Controlman, as I just looked up. That rating is also listed as Air Traffic Controller.
Before I got my red Ford and while we were living on Hicks Road, I got in trouble for driving my mother's Bonneville (also a 1978) too fast. That was a car that Randy Romine bought brand new for her when they were married. This car had some kind of alarm built into the dashboard. It you went above a certain speed, I believe it was over 80, the alarm would go off. I'm thinking I did that several times when driving my sister and Michael to church. In other words, I wanted to speed so they buzzer would go off. I suspect this is related to that catchphrase from Top Gun about the need for speed.
There is that song, by America?, about going through the desert on a horse with no name. That song features prominently in my memory from the time after I returned from the Persian Gulf, which was in 1988 according to my memory, but is probably some other time.
Today some station showed a clip from the first Terminator movie and it reminded me that Arnold S. in that movie resembles Mogge when he was younger.
That bad fight I remember occurred when we were away from our home port when I was on the Taylor. Oh yeah, I thought later that Taylor has a big number 50, or five-oh, on its hull. Anyway, I think this fight occurred in Fort Lauderdale. There had been some other fighting going on. Apparently a gang was luring sailors into fights and this one guy, I didn't know him well, but he was on my ship, had his face slashed with a knife after talking to a girl.
Could the U.S. Air plane crash I remember from Charlotte represent Micheal's crash? There are some common elements in my memory. One was the path of destruction, the trees that were knocked down or damaged. There was the sudden, heavy, violent thunderstorm that kicked up right before the crash. With the Charlotte crash, I wasn't that far away at a bar where, if I had been standing at the door way could have seen that plane coming in, and it also went right over my apartment at Whitehall. I could remember the precise time of the crash and what I was doing at the time.
All of this, All of this, it is my reality, I am absolutely convinced I was once, among other things, an aviator in the Navy. I just can't remember it. But I know these details I remember represents that time.
One day, I "launched" my '67 blue Chev. out onto Hicks Road. Earlier, I had been doing something with the front wheels and apparently, I forgot to tighten the lug nuts. I got about a half mile down the road and the front end started shaking violently. Just as I was about to cross over this small wooden bridge, I saw the left front wheel shot up and away down to the edge of the creek I was about to pass over. The truck dropped over to the left a little bit and I managed to keep it from running off the bridge where I stopped on the other side. I left a groove in the road from that incident.
That happened again sometime later on the way to school. Micheal had told me something looked wrong with the left wheel but I drove anyway. Shortly after that, I saw that familar sight of the wheel shooting up and away to the left as the front end slammed into the pavement. This time the spindle had broken off because it hadn't been greased. Mt future-brother-in-law went out into the field and got the wheel for me. Then a schoolbus came by. My buddy who was later an Air Force mechanic, gave me a ride to school in his midget car. Not sure what kind of car that was. Denzil was at home on vacation that day and he sent out a tow truck to get my truck.
